


Champions™

by EternalWhiteRose



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Group chat, LMAO, Multi, Oops, i fell down tha rabbit hole, suggestions are officially closed because i really let this get out of hand, updates whenever i get the chance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-25 19:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 14,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13219662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalWhiteRose/pseuds/EternalWhiteRose
Summary: Mipha creates a group chat for the purpose of discussing important Champion dutiesTurns out it was a bad ideaAs once said by TrueEnder:Everything goes to shit&The comments section is the literal embodiment of tumblr





	1. in which mipha makes the #mistake

_13:34_

**_Mipha_ ** _added **Link** , **Zelda** , **Daruk** , **Urbosa** and **Revali** to the group_

**_Mipha_ ** _renamed the group **Champions**_

**Mipha:** Hey guys! I decided to make a group chat so we can talk about our champion duties!

**Urbosa:** bless u mipha  
**Urbosa:** we dont deserve u

**Daruk:** mipha the real mvp

**Mipha:** mvp?

**Urbosa:** not important  
**Urbosa:** where the fuck are the others

**Zelda:** Urbosa! Language!

**Urbosa:** oh hush weve all heard worse  
**Urbosa:** have u met revali

**Revali** : I resent that.

**Link** : I resent you

**Revali** : wow  
**Revali** : don’t I feel so attacked  
**Revali** : destroyed by an elf

**Urbosa** : #rekt

**Daruk** : don’t

**Urbosa** : w a t c h m e

**Link** : I came out here to have a good time and I honestly feel so attacked right now

**Revali** : yknow I think I liked you better when you didn’t talk  
**Revali** : go back to being a silent protag

**Urbosa** : let him be  
**Urbosa** : im glad theres another memer in this chat

**Zelda** : Mipha, I think you’ve made a mistake

**Mipha** : For some reason, Zelda, I’m inclined to agree.

**Urbosa** : dont lie to me zelda i know that u and link are practically the same person  
**Urbosa** : im ur mother i know u best

**Zelda** : Urbosa my mother died a long time ago

**Daruk** : a long time ago we lost our dearest urbosa

**Urbosa** : QUIT TELLING PEOPLE IM DEAD

**Daruk** : sometimes I can still hear her voice

**Urbosa** : O H M Y G O D

**_Revali_ ** _has left the group_

**Urbosa** : oh no

**_Urbosa_ ** _added **Revali** to the group_

**Urbosa** : ur not leaving  
**Urbosa** : mipha fuckin put u in this chat and ur gonna stay

**Revali** : she made this chat to talk about CHAMPION things

**Daruk** : and youre a champion so you have to stay

**Mipha** : Actually I’m realizing it’s a huge mistake  
**Mipha** : I’m going to delete it

**Urbosa** : LET IT LIVE

**Revali** : I second your decision, miph

**Daruk** : nah I think it should stay

**Link** : me too

**Zelda** : I don’t think it’ll be that bad

**Revali** : I hate all of you.

**_Urbosa_ ** _changed **Revali’s** nickname to **Ravioli**_

**Ravioli** : you especially

**Urbosa** : HAHA


	2. in which urbosa wants a hylian breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali=Ravioli

_09:14_

**_Champions_ **

**Urbosa** : zelda enlighten me  
**Urbosa** : what are u and link having for breakfast today

 **Link** : why do you care???

 **Urbosa** : bc im tired of fruit and seal meat  
**Urbosa** : what are the hylians eating  
**Urbosa** : what delicious meals are you having

 **Daruk** : i’m eating rocks

 **Urbosa** : literally  
**Urbosa** : nO oNe asked you  
**Urbosa** : im assuming revali is eating ravioli

 **Ravioli** : you’re not funny

 **Urbosa** : would u say im  
**Urbosa** : asinine  
**Urbosa** : also fuck off im hilarious

 **Ravioli** : why are you like this

 **Urbosa** : tbh this chat needs some sort of joker  
**Urbosa** : and whoop im here  
**Urbosa** : where’s mipha?

 **Zelda** : Mipha has breakfast with her father and brother  
**Zelda** : No group chats allowed

 **Daruk** : do y’all like rocks

 **Urbosa** : y’all

 **Link** : y’all

 **Ravioli** : y’all

**_Daruk_ ** _changed his nickname to **y’all**_

**y’all** : revali I’m surprised you joined in

 **Ravioli** : why did you suddenly ask a dumb question like that

 **Urbosa** : wow revali is just roasting everyone lately

 **Ravioli** : ever since you put me in this chat my temper has been rising  
**Ravioli** : and without Mipha right now here I don’t have to censor myself

 **Link** : I will teleport to her and tell her  
**Link** : I have the slate

 **Zelda** : when did you take it?????

 **Link** : im not telling you  
**Link** : fUcKK  
**Link** : help SHS CHAISNG ME

 **Ravioli** : nah you deserve this

 **Urbosa** : just dont kill him  
**Urbosa** : cant explain that one to ur father

 **y’all** : come on little man don’t let her beat you like this!!  
**y’all** : she’s just a princess!!

 **Zelda** : EXCUSE ME?

 **y’all** : shit

 **Zelda** : WE’RE ABOUT TO HAVE GRILLED GORON FOR BREAKFAST WITH A SIDE OF TOASTED HYLIAN

 **Urbosa** : u done fucked

 **Ravioli** : here lies Daruk  
**Ravioli** : 5ever in our hearts

 **Urbosa** : omg revoovoo you memed

 **Ravioli** : who the fuck is revoovoo

 **Link** : HEL P ME

_10:54_

**Mipha** : what the heck did I miss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR BBS LOVE ME  
> follow all my social stuffs over on my bio


	3. in which the minister is a balding midget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = Ravioli  
> Daruk = y'all

_07:21_

**_Zelda_ ** _renamed the group **Breakfast Club**_

**Zelda** : let it be known that early morning meetings with councilmen about things you don’t have a SINGLE care about are the worst  
**Zelda** : I also wasn’t served breakfast today yet  
**Zelda** : So im starved  
**Zelda** : make sure to eat breakfast

_10:34_

**Urbosa** : omg thanks bby  
**Urbosa** : ill make sure to eat

 **Ravioli** : did you just wake up

 **Urbosa** : i didnt come here to be attacked birdbrain  
**Urbosa** : but yes

 **Mipha** : Do you always wake up so late??

 **Urbosa** : i wake with the sun and then want to strike myself with my own lightening and fall back asleep  
**Urbosa** : the only reason im alive is for zelda

 **Zelda** : <3 <3

 **y’all** : is the meeting over princess?

 **Zelda** : no  
**Zelda** : but I asked to be excused

 **Urbosa** : how long ago

 **Zelda** : !!!  
**Zelda** : …thirty minutes ago

 **Link** : Is that why the minister is trying to hunt me down??  
**Link** : man cant practice with a sword for five minutes without a balding midGET coming around  
**Link** : asking where I hid the damn princess to the throne  
**Link** : for a second I thought youd been taken  
**Link** : but then he told me yall were in the middle of a meeting

 **Urbosa** : daruk what are you doing at the castle

 **y’all** : literally fuck off

 **Link** : and then I was just filled with disapPOINT  
**Link** : remember when you couldnt harness your powers

 **Zelda** : I know where you sleep

 **Mipha** : No violence!!!

 **Zelda** : it won’t be violent I’ll just burn all his clothes

 **Link** : pls dont I have so little anyway

 **Ravioli** : you have that warm doublet you bought from my village

 **y’all** : and the fireproof armor

 **Mipha** : and the armor I made you!

 **Urbosa** : and that elf costume

 **Link** : actually zel please burn that one

 **Zelda** : I’ll leave the tingle one alone

 **Link** : NO

**_Zelda_ ** _changed **Link’s** nickname to **Elf Man**_

**Elf Man** : zleda if I could Id fucking quit being a champion

 **Ravioli** : please do

 **Urbosa** : elf man and ravioli, the manchild and pasta duo

 **Ravioli** : youre horrible  
**Ravioli** : I’m quitting too

**_Ravioli_ ** _has left the group_

**Urbosa** : bye bye pasta

**_Mipha_ ** _added **Ravioli** to the group_

**Urbosa** : mipha ur too good for us

 **Mipha** : someone has to be

 **Ravioli** : Mipha please let me leave

 **Mipha** : nope  
**Mipha** : I love you and respect your opinions and decisions  
**Mipha** : unless they’re wrong  
**Mipha** : like that one  
**Mipha** : so no

 **Ravioli** : I have never felt more attacked

 **y’all** : wow

 **Urbosa** : #savage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a croissant for breakfast  
> also this is a little late but there will be spoilers for breath of the wild, this includes the newest dlc content. it wont come into play until a later chapter but just a forewarning  
> follow me on stuffsss


	4. in which link gets hungry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = Ravioli  
> Daruk = y'all  
> Link = Elf Man

_02:25_

**_Breakfast Club_ **

**Zelda** : LINK  
**Zelda** : WHERE ARE YOU  
**Zelda** : WHY WAS I WOKEN UP BY A GUARD AND TOLD THAT YOURE MISSING

 **Mipha** : Link is missing?????

 **Zelda** : apparently the guard that does our rounds went into his room to check and he wasnT THERE

 **Ravioli** : what the fuck man  
**Ravioli** : its 2:30 in the mornig  
**Ravioli** : cant you guys sleep for once

 **Zelda** : I WILL WHEN LINK TELLS ME WHERE HE IS

 **Urbosa** : maybe hes jackin it  
**Urbosa** : constantly being in the presence of a beautiful princess such as urself  
**Urbosa** : gotta relieve some tension

 **Zelda** : firstly  
**Zelda** : thanks for the compliment  
**Zelda** : Secondly  
**Zelda** : we’ve checked the entire castle and he’s not here

 **Urbosa** : if i was link in a castle full of guards  
**Urbosa** : who make rounds  
**Urbosa** : i wouldnt stay in the castle to do anything like that

 **Mipha** : you’re giving me too much information about Link!!

 **Urbosa** : oops sry forgot ur mildly obsessed with him  
**Urbosa** : but u know im right

 **Zelda** : I guess you have a point  
**Zelda** : but where could he have gone??

 **Ravioli** : because I have respect for the princess  
**Ravioli** : and not the elf  
**Ravioli** : I did a quick round around Tabantha  
**Ravioli** : I couldn’t see him even with my heightened eyesight

 **Zelda** : bUT TABANTHA IS REALLY FAR FROM THE CASTLE????

 **Ravioli** : HE WASNT THERE HOLY SHIT CALM DOWN  
**Ravioli** : where’s Daruk when we need him  
**Ravioli** : we could get him to get on the divine beast  
**Ravioli** : heck everyone should get on a divine beast

 **Zelda** : I DON’T HAVE ONE

 **Urbosa** : zelda babe holy fuck  
**Urbosa** : weve got this  
**Urbosa** : put some faith in us

_04:02_

**Elf Man** : im ok

 **Zelda** : ITS BEEN TWO HOURS WHERE ARE YOU

 **Elf Man** : hunting boars in the woods  
**Elf Man** : close to the castle

 **Zelda** : BOARS????????

 **Elf Man** : i got hungry

 **Ravioli** : youre literally a fucking disaster  
**Ravioli** : woke us up for nothing  
**Ravioli** : we all had to wake our beasts up  
**Ravioli** : you stressed the princess out so much  
**Ravioli** : you freaked mipha out  
**Ravioli** : may I remind you weve been up since 2 looking for your elf ass  
**Ravioli** : so fuck you

 **Elf Man** : sorry for being hungry

 **Urbosa** : SORRY MEANS NOTHING  
**Urbosa** : DO YOU KNOW BAD AN INFLUENCE I LOOK LIKE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE RN  
**Urbosa** : IM THE LEADER OF THE TRIBE AND UR RUINING IT BY MAKING ME USE A DAMN CAMEL TO FIND UR TWINK SELF

 **Zelda** : i wholeheartedly agree with the twink statement

 **Elf Man** : im never sharing my food with any of you ever again  
**Elf Man** : fuck you guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feel free to send me ideas either in the comments or on any of my socials  
> (this was the chapter that started my entire group chat idea asdfghjkl)  
> love ya bbs


	5. in which everyone is salty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = Ravioli  
> Daruk = y'all  
> Link = Elf Man

_13:24_

**_Breakfast Club_ **

**y’all** : why is this still the breakfast club

 **Zelda** : it’s a reminder for everyone to eat breakfast  
**Zelda** : we don’t all live by our main source of food

 **y’all** : I mean  
**y’all** : I guess link kinda does

 **Elf Man** : are we still going on about me leaving in the middle of the night

 **Zelda** : you ruinED my sleep schedule

 **Elf Man** : wouldnt you do that if you were hungry???

 **Ravioli** : literally no one would leave the castle if they were hungry to hunt boars you idiot

 **Elf Man** : maybe i should move in with mipha she wouldn’t attack me for something like this

 **Mipha** : That’s where you’re wrong

**_Mipha_ ** _changed her nickname to **Nope**_

**Nope** : I may love you from the bottom of my heart but I’d rather not  
**Nope** : You can sleep with Sidon if you move here

 **Elf Man** : no sidon chews on my head when he sleeps  
**Elf Man** : he has sharp teeth

 **Nope** : All the more reason to come.

 **Elf Man** : why do you guys hate me

 **Urbosa** : oh i dont know  
**Urbosa** : maybe bc u snuck out from the castle at 2 am without telling anyone  
**Urbosa** : and just skipped over the woods to look for wild pigs  
**Urbosa** : bc u were hungRY

 **Elf Man** : again i see no problems

 **Nope** : Can we stop arguing about this

 **Ravioli** : of all people that would jump on a chance to have link move in with them  
**Ravioli** : mipha turned it dOWN?

 **Zelda** : I would too if he didnt already live here

 **Elf Man** : i could have gone to hebra  
**Elf Man** : or to akkala or faron  
**Elf Man** : hell i could have gone to lurelin if i wanted to  
**Elf Man** : but i didnt  
**Elf Man** : i stayed close to the castle

 **Zelda** : Goddesses forbid if you had gone to hebra i would have left you there on your own to die  
**Zelda** : without warm clothes

 **y’all** : ouch  
**y’all** : isnt that harsh

 **Zelda** : after what he did yesterday  
**Zelda** : no

 **Urbosa** : can agree  
**Urbosa** : link deserves all the harshness

 **Elf Man** : revali im moving in with you guys

 **Ravioli** : fuck you no  
**Ravioli** : stay away from my village

 **Elf Man** : will anyone take me in so the princess doesn’t murder me  
**Elf Man** : please

 **y’all** : i can

 **Elf Man** : youre the best daruk

 **y’all** : only if you dont wear the fireproof armor

 **Elf Man** : nvm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just finished devilman crybaby and i became a crybaby bc that enDING  
> send me ideas in comments or any of my social mediaaaa


	6. in which fears are discussed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = Ravioli  
> Daruk = y'all  
> Link = Elf Man  
> Mipha = Nope

_19:40_

**_Breakfast Club_ **

**Ravioli** : daruk is afraid of dogs  
**Ravioli** : mipha is afraid of losing the ones she loves  
**Ravioli** : urbosa is afraid of losing zelda  
**Ravioli** : link is afraid of lynels  
**Ravioli** : zelda is afraid of urbosas thunder  
**Ravioli** : aaaand discourse

 **y’all** : why are you calling us out like this  
**y’all** : also who toLD YOU THAT  
**y’all** : THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WAS THE PRINCESS

 **Zelda** : oops

 **Elf Man** : have you guys SEEN a lynel  
**Elf Man** : youd shit yourself too  
**Elf Man** : theyre massive and the can almost kill you in one shot  
**Elf Man** : i only interact with them if they attack first  
**Elf Man** : which is 99% of the time

 **Zelda** : i am not afraid of urbosa’s thunder  
**Zelda** : i’m only afraid of it when she does it unexpectedly

 **Ravioli** : so always

 **Zelda** : go away

 **Nope** : Sidon’s afraid of heights

 **Elf Man** : doesnt he go up on the dams

 **Nope** : Against his will

 **Urbosa** : wow mipha ur horrible to him

 **Zelda** : I remember when I met him!  
**Zelda** : he was afraid of swimming up the waterfall

 **Urbosa** : and yes i am afraid of losing my zelda  
**Urbosa** : u guys didnt help basically raise her  
**Urbosa** : i already lost her mother and i dont need to lose my little bird

 **Zelda** : Urbosa  
**Zelda** : <3<3<3  
**Zelda** : I love you so much

**_Urbosa_ ** _changed her nickname to **mother bird**_

**_Zelda_ ** _changed her nickname to **little bird**_

**_mother bird_ ** _renamed the group **nest**_

**Nope** : You two are literally going to give me diabetes

 **little bird** : Revali aren’t you scared of anything

 **Ravioli** : pssh  
**Ravioli** : nah

 **y’all** : there has to be something

 **little bird** : maybe he’s afraid of Link?

 **Ravioli** : why the fuck would i be afraid of that nerd

 **Elf** **Man** : at least i dont molt

 **Ravioli** : fite me

 **Elf Man** : with pleasure

 **Nope** : I say Revali is afraid of not being superior to Link

 **y’all** : ...

 **mother bird** : ...

 **Elf Man** : ...

 **little bird** : wouldn’t that mean that he’s always scared

 **Ravioli** : youre lucky youre the princess or id throw you off the highest peak of rito village

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the first instance of diane really loves urbosa and zeldas relationship  
> follow me on my social medias to send me ideasssss


	7. in which link just leaves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = Ravioli  
> Daruk = y'all  
> Link = Elf Man  
> Mipha = Nope  
> Urbosa = mother bird  
> Zelda = little bird

_12:59_

**_nest_ **

**mother bird** : this meeting has been going on forever  
**mother bird** : zelda my doll i love u but ur father just drones on and on

 **little bird** : i know  
**little bird** : try being his daughter

 **Ravioli** : i’m pretty sure half of the royal guards are sleeping while they’re standing

 **little bird** : same

 **y’all** : i will admit that the food is the reason im here

 **mother bird** : again  
**mother bird** : forever tired of fruit and seal meat  
**mother bird** : so big mood daruk

 **Nope** : do you think if i just  
**Nope** : stop existing  
**Nope** : the king wont be mad

 **Ravioli** : are you ok miph  
**Ravioli** : youre not capitalizing anything

 **Nope** : im so exhausted that i cant be bothered  
**Nope** : casual reminder im the only one out of the six of us with a brother  
**Nope** : and that brother reaaaaally likes to wake me up before the sun is up  
**Nope** : just to tell me he loves me

 **little bird** : we dont deserve sidon

 **Nope** : we really dont

**_Nope_ ** _changed her nickname to **dead and tired**_

**mother bird** : u are the biggest mood today mipha

 **y’all** : right youre usually the calm and collected person in this group

 **dead and tired** : honestly even i have my limits  
**dead and tired** : and im sorry to say zelda but your father is my hard limit

 **little bird** : as i said earlier  
**little bird** : i live with him and he isnt the proudest of me  
**little bird** : yall are just champions

 **mother bird** : damn straight daruk is a champion

 **y’all** : ffs

**_y’all_ ** _changed his nickname to **rock’n’roll**_

**rock’n’roll** : leave me alone

 **little bird** : and im the princess of destiny  
**little bird** : who for the longest time couldnt harness her powers  
**little bird** : why did no one tell me thaT MY FATHER STOPPED TALKING AND WAS LOOKING AT ME

 **mother bird** : oops

 **little bird** : because i need reasons for him to hate me more

 **Ravioli** : where’s link btw  
**Ravioli** : he hasnt said anything and he would be the person who would be blowing this chat up  
**Ravioli** : im looking around and dont see him

 **mother bird** : what  
**mother bird** : omg ur right

 **dead and tired** : did he just leave?

 **little bird** : what????  
**little bird** : oh my god i dont have the slate  
**little bird** : are you fucKIGN kidding me

 **rock’n’roll** : wait so he just took the slate and left???  
**rock’n’roll** : when??????

 **Elf Man** : when the meeting basically started **  
Elf Man** : im in kakariko

 **little bird** : sON OF A BITCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was based off of Ergoemos said "all the champions pulled out their slates while the king of hyrule blathered on and congratulated himself for doing such a good job"  
> and ive already decided that bc technology is so advanCED in botw that they would have other communicators for chatting and zelda be the only one with the slate  
> that link likes to steal


	8. in which link gets his ass handed to him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:   
> Revali = Ravioli  
> Daruk = rock'n'roll  
> Link = Elf Man  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = mother bird  
> Zelda = little bird

_03:28_

**_nest_ **

**mother bird** : zelda what did u use to make these fabrics be so damn comfortable and soft  
**mother bird** : like i can sleep forever on my shawl

 **Ravioli** : clearly you cant if youre not sleeping now

 **mother bird** : i wanted to exPRESS my gratitude

 **Ravioli** : express it in the morning

 **mother bird** : i will pluck all ur feathers

_10:05_

**mother bird** : as i was saying earlier  
**mother bird** : zelda these fabrics u made are heaven

 **little bird** : thank you!!  
**little bird** : i was afraid you guys wouldnt like them

 **dead and tired** : are you kidding??  
**dead and tired** : theyre so soft  
**dead and tired** : sidon borrows it at night to sleep on it

 **little bird** : awww

 **Ravioli** : your brother is a gift

 **dead and tired** : hes only a gift when he doesnt wake me up at sunrise

 **rock’n’roll** : i have to thank you for making mine fireproof

 **little bird** : of course!  
**little bird** : i had to take into account that you basically live in a volcano  
**little bird** : and everything is always on fire

 **dead and tired** : i wish i was on fire

 **mother bird** : dude same

 **Ravioli** : i have to watch out for the tykes in the village  
**Ravioli** : they have a tendency to destroy things because children are assholes

 **mother bird** : never become a father

 **Ravioli** : i honestly dont want to

 **little bird** : in case anyone is wondering  
**little bird** : which no one is  
**little bird** : i had to make links super durable  
**little bird** : since you know  
**little bird** : he likes to get in trouble

 **rock’n’roll** : where is he anyway

 **little bird** : if i knew my dude  
**little bird** : he doesnt have the slate, before anyone asks

 **mother bird** : for once

_16:35_

**dead and tired** : so uh  
**dead and tired** : i found him

 **little bird** : i dont like the way youre saying that

 **dead and tired** : he accidentally got wrapped up with a lynel  
**dead and tired** : and sidon isnt helping by biting hIS HEAD  
**dead and tired** : also that shirt wasnt very durable

 **little bird** : aksfhdskghf

 **rock’n’roll** : bro you need to get a hold of your life

 **Ravioli** : is it that white lynel that always shoots shock arrows when i try to fly in?

 **dead and tired** : yeah  
**dead and tired** : it has no mercy

**_Elf Man_ ** _changed his nickname to **fuck lynels**_

**fuck lynels** : mood for the rest of my life

 **little bird** : how badly is your shirt damaged

 **fuck lynels** : bad  
**fuck lynels** : its basically shreds

 **mother bird** : for once in ur life can u not

 **fuck lynels** : again  
**fuck lynels** : i dont start shit with lynels  
**fuck lynels** : they start it with me

 **little bird** : i dont give a shit who started what

 **rock’n’roll** : dont you mean you dont give a shirt

 **little bird** : akjsefhadskfdsjkbg

**_little bird_ ** _has left the group_

**_fuck lynels_ ** _added **little bird** to the group_

**fuck lynels** : nope

 **little bird** : asfjhesUFDSGFJSAHDG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully this chapter fixes the ao3 glitch and marks this story as 8 chapters like it should be  
> follow me on stuffffff (especially my twitter so we can talk or some shit @eternalwrose)


	9. in which link is apparently a ladies man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:   
> Revali = Ravioli  
> Daruk = rock'n'roll  
> Link = fuck lynels  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = mother bird  
> Zelda = little bird

_3:28_

**_nest_ **

**dead and tired** : link  
**dead and tired** : im sorry for this being so early but  
**dead and tired** : all of your friends are asking when youre going to visit the domain  
**dead and tired** : also some of my girlfriends are asking too  
**dead and tired** : you can answer in the morning  
**dead and tired** : also yes  
**dead and tired** : sidon woke me up  
**dead and tired** : the sun isnt even up why does he hate me

_9:12_

**fuck lynels** : ????  
**fuck lynels** : i literally saw them a few days ago after i got attacked what the hell

 **mother bird** : arent u ever popular with the ladies

 **dead and tired** : yeah the female zora always flock around him when he visits  
**dead and tired** : must be the sword or something

 **mother bird** : yeah  
**mother bird** : the sword

 **little bird** : urbosa please

 **rock’n’roll** : wasnt link ambushed when he went to the desert last time

 **little bird** : yeah we were once ambushed by some yiga

 **mother bird** : no no no my dearest zelda  
**mother bird** : the ladies of the town reeeeally like link  
**mother bird** : he may not be able to step foot inside but they have no problems walking out to see him  
**mother bird** : and boiiiii  
**mother bird** : do they swarm

 **fuck lynels** : can confirm  
**fuck lynels** : gerudo ladies love me

 **Ravioli** : maybe thats why urbosa likes you so much

 **mother bird** : hell no  
**mother bird** : i dont go for twinks

 **fuck lynels** : are you still on that

 **mother bird** : absolutely

 **rock’n’roll** : so hes popular with fish people

 **dead and tired** : we’re called zora you rock fucker

 **rock’n’roll** : we dont fuck them we eat them sweetheart  
**rock’n’roll** : and with ethnic tough ladies

 **mother bird** : fuck yeah he is

 **little bird** : i never knew about all that

 **Ravioli** : this is delicious blackmail material

 **fuck lynels** : dont you dare

 **Ravioli** : cant stop me

**_mother bird_ ** _changed her nickname to **generic ethnic tough lady**_

**generic ethnic tough lady** : i have arrived

 **Ravioli** : why must you have such a long name

**_generic ethnic tough lady_ ** _changed **Ravioli’s** nickname to **bitch**_

**bitch** : are you kidding me

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : longest and shortest nicknames  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : let the shipping begin

 **little bird** : were the only ones in this chat

 **rock’n’roll** : i ship it

 **fuck lynels** : what the fuck daruk

 **dead and tired** : i hate all of you

 **bitch** : fukc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR 100 KUDOS  
> ive never really had a continuous story that i could express my gratitude for 100 kudos so thanK YOU GUYS SO MUCH I LOVE YOU ALL  
> yall can prolly tell i love you lmao i respond to like every comment bc talking with you guys is great
> 
> Taium- "mipha tells link all his zora friends keep pestering her about when hes gonna visit. cue teasing (...) urbosa mentions link all but getting swarmed by gerudo looking for men when he was in the area once (...) urbosa somehow ends up nicknamed "generic ethnic tough lady""  
> love u bby
> 
> GIVE ME IDEAS IN THE COMMENTS  
> ALSO STEVEN HERES UR SASS


	10. in which daruk is a shipper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = rock'n'roll  
> Link = fuck lynels  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = little bird

_14:35_

**_nest_ **

**rock’n’roll** : the whole nest name doesnt really make sense now that urbosa’s nickname is a mile long

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : why am i always the one attacked

 **bitch** : you make it too easy

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : listen you bird fuck

 **bitch** : come at me tall hoe

 **fuck lynels** : this is why daruk ships you two

 **rock’n’roll** : that is true  
**rock’n’roll** : yall make it too easy

 **dead and tired** : you make it too easy?

 **rock’n’roll** : my name isnT yall anymore godfuck

 **little bird** : godfuck

 **rock’n’roll** : im not changing my name to godfuck all of you can suck my dick

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : pls no  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : i dont want to think about ur dick

 **fuck lynels** : she wants to think about revalis instead

 **bitch** : please no

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : for once in my life revali i have to agree with you

 **dead and tired** : youre just helping the ship sail

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : really loud sigh

**_generic ethnic tough lady_ ** _left the group_

**bitch** : omg she actually left  
**bitch** : no one add her back

**_dead and tired_ ** _added **generic ethnic tough lady** to the group_

**bitch** : MIPHA

 **dead and tired** : i created this group  
**dead and tired** : fuck you

 **fuck lynels** : i swear to god we would be in chaos without mipha around

 **bitch** : are we not already

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : let me leave

 **little bird** : but mom

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : nvm  
**generic ethnic tough lady:** i cant leave my daughter with these hooligans

 **dead and tired** : rude

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : *daughters

 **bitch** : mom kink confirmed

 **rock’n’roll** : are you into that?

 **bitch** : ksdguhsd  
**bitch** : n o  
**bitch** : fucky ou

 **little bird** : omg revali

 **fuck lynels** : let the kinkshaming commence

 **bitch** : fuck aLl of yOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huehuehue >;]  
> love you guyssss~


	11. in which the minister who is a balding midget makes a cameo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = rock'n'roll  
> Link = fuck lynels  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = little bird

_15:23_

**_nest_ **

**little bird** : lmao the minister knows about this chat goddess save me

 **bitch** : how???

 **little bird** : he caught me during my lessons  
**little bird** : firstly i dont understand why i need lessons if i have to work on guardian stuff  
**little bird** : whO was the one tasked with figuring out how the guardians work

 **dead and tired** : not you????

 **little bird** : alright listen  
**little bird** : i gave myself this task

 **rock’n’roll** : maybe thats why the king is always so upset with you?  
**rock’n’roll** : youre not paying attention to the lessons people have prepared for you?

 **little bird:** ANYWAY  
**little bird** : i was looking through this chat for laughs since link is a disaster

 **fuck lynels** : why is it always me

**_generic ethnic tough lady_ ** _changed **fuck lynels’** nickname to **disaster**_

**generic ethnic tough lady** : bc u are one

 **disaster** : fair

 **little bird** : and he toOK my communicator away from me and read everything that weve talked about

 **disaster** : does that include the balding midget part

 **little bird** : yes

 **disaster** : fuck

 **bitch** : to be fair  
**bitch** : he is a balding midget

 **disaster** : thank you revali  
**disaster** : im glad someone appreciates my humor

 **bitch** : i never said that

 **disaster** : fucker

 **little bird** : he was especially angry about that  
**little bird** : he doesnt think hes balding

 **disaster** : but he admits that hes a midget

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : zelda ur entire work force is a mess

 **little bird** : you think i dont know that

 **disaster** : maybe thats why youre a nerd

 **little bird** : excuse me

 **rock’n’roll** : oh boy  
**rock’n’roll** : listen brother i learned the hard way  
**rock’n’roll** : dont insult the princess

 **disaster** : no she once tried to force feed me a frog

 **little bird** : it was good for you!  
**little bird** : had certain properties that would heal you!

 **dead and tired** : you tried to force feed him  
**dead and tired** : a frog

 **disaster** : and she went on a rant about silent princess flowers

 **little bird** : that you keep piCKING

 **disaster** : IF YOU LIKE THEM IMMA GET SOME FOR YOU

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : thats adorable  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : mipha you have competition

 **dead and tired** : dont

**_bitch_ ** _changed **little bird’s** nickname to **nerd**_

**nerd** : LITERally WRHY

 **generic ethnic tough lady:** hey we match again now  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : longest and shortest name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> steven: "So, how embarrassing will it be when someone else at the castle finds out about the chats?"  
> taium: "Zelda's called a nerd."  
> thanks babes i love you guys
> 
> i got my first zelda tattoo yesterday and my shoulder hurts  
> follow me on social stuff and please send me ideas
> 
> (if you dont see your idea and you sent it a while ago understand i type all these chapters out in advance and i have about 5 or 6 under my wing ready to go, so your idea has a 99% chance of already being written)


	12. in which revali gets drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = rock'n'roll  
> Link = disaster  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

  _02:51_

**_nest_ **

**bitch** : i want everyone to know that im forever thankful for you guys  
**bitch** : i may say shit abotu you btut i really realy care abuot all of you  
**bitch** : except ofr urbosa  
**bitch** : you cna go fuck yourself  
**bitch** : and link  
**bitch** : bitch ass twink  
**bitch** : holy shit its a;readu three am  
**bitch** : i didnt realize id been fdrinking this late oops  
**bitch** : smetmies a chamotipn needs ti jsut  
**bitch** : unwind and chill  
**bitch** : what if i just jump off this ledge  
**bitch** : omg brb

_05:42_

**nerd** : revali  
**nerd** : what the fuck  
**nerd** : omg plS RESPOND

_06:24_

**dead and tired** : ?????  
**dead and tired** : omg

_06:50_

**rock’n’roll** : what  
**rock’n’roll** : revali where are you

 **nerd** : ???????????

_07:48_

**dead and tired** : did you guys find him?

 **disaster** : zelda woke me up and asked me to use the slate to warp to rito village  
**disaster** : i havent found him yet

 **nerd** : omggggg  
**nerd** : who gets drunk and fuckING JUST VANISHES

 **rock’n’roll** : revali apparently

 **disaster** : im gonna explore a little more of tabantha

 **nerd** : please do

_09:29_

**generic ethnic tough lady** : ??????  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : for the love of din revali

 **rock’n’roll** : welcome to the club

**_generic ethnic tough lady_ ** _renamed the group **find birdshit**_

**nerd** : accurate

 **disaster** : birdshit

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : ill try to get to naboris to gain higher ground  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : bc hes a dumb bird

_10:39_

**generic ethnic tough lady** : ok  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : so it took me a while to get on naboris bc of previous engagements with visitors to the town and whatnot  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : but  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : turns out  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : naboris hid the dumbass the whole time

 **nerd** : arE YOU SERIOUS

 **disaster** : hes on your divine beast???

 **rock’n’roll** : and yall wonder why i ship you

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : hes passed tf out

 **nerd** : wake him up with your thunder

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : omg

10:59

 **bitch** : who told the tall hoe to fuckING US HER THUNDER  
**bitch** : iM HUNGOVER ASSHOLES

 **nerd** : WHOSE FAULT IS THAT YOU WHORE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so its been a hot minute
> 
> this past week i started my next semester in college and i really wanted to focus on getting used to being back in school so thats why i didnt update. i mainly only was active on twitter and that was to vent about what was going on around me
> 
> also ive been playing stardew valley a lot oops
> 
> this is dedicated to steven for no other reason than your comments just give me great liberty to come up with replies. love ya steven ;3


	13. in which link literally gets roasted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = rock'n'roll  
> Link = disaster  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

_11:12_

**_find birdshit_ **

**nerd** : so  
**nerd** : were visiting daruk right

 **rock’n’roll** : hell yeah they is

 **nerd** : and apparently  
**nerd** : link didnt bring enough fireproof elixir for me  
**nerd** : since he has the armor

 **bitch** : oh no

 **nerd** : and so we went to the shop to see if theyre selling any  
**nerd** : and link apparently doesnt have enough rupees

 **dead and tired** : how even  
**dead and tired** : the amount hes found from killing monsters and blowing up rocks is insane  
**dead and tired** : and i know for a fact that he sells luminous stones to a guy for diamonds

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : mipha are u sure thats not a drug dealer

 **dead and tired** : listen  
**dead and tired** : i dont get involved in that

 **nerd** : ANYWAY  
**nerd** : he has no money  
**nerd** : so we decided to share the armor

 **bitch** : how does that even work

 **nerd** : i have the helmet  
**nerd** : he has the chestplate  
**nerd** : and unsurprisingly it isnt working that well

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : what does that mean

 **rock’n’roll** : links hair is on fire

 **dead and tired** : no way

**_nerd_ ** _sent a photo_

**nerd** : yep

 **dead and tired** : OMG

 **bitch** : hes literally being roasted

 **disaster** : this isnT FUNNY

 **nerd** : its hilarious  
**nerd** : we wouldnt be in this situation if you had rupees

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : im crying @ daruk in the back with the thumbs up

 **nerd** : ok imma go get him out of here brb

_21:52_

**disaster** : that was the absolute worst  
**disaster** : there are reasons we dont hold guardian meetings in goron city  
**disaster** : thats literally why

 **bitch** : you didnt die what are you complaining about

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quantumducky: "adventures in not bringing enough fireproof elixir to visit goron city and getting roasted in the groupchat for it while also getting roasted a lil bit in real life. zelda now has a lovely picture on the slate of link with his hair on fire, which he claims is not funny but is in fact hilarious. you didnt die what are you complaining about"  
> here ya go, a breather before the next installment of revali drinks too much and ends up on a mechanical camel


	14. in which an intervention is staged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = rock'n'roll  
> Link = disaster  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

_14:24_

**_find birdshit_ **

**disaster** : id like to remind everyone that a few days ago revali got smashed and went missing  
**disaster** : bc we never really talked about it

 **bitch** : theres no reason to talk about it

 **nerd** : honestly there is????  
**nerd** : you almost died

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : how is that a bad thing

 **nerd** : urbosa  
**nerd** : i understand that you dont like each other  
**nerd** : but for once

 **rock’n’roll** : are we about to have an intervention

 **bitch** : no

 **nerd** : yes

 **dead and tired** : you literally jumped off of a cliff and flew to naboris without telling anyone  
**dead and tired** : and then as we all woke up we had to go look for your ass

 **nerd** : exactly!  
**nerd** : and you typed a bunch of random bullshit before that that we need to talk about

 **bitch** : we can ignore the drunken babble  
**bitch** : we can talk about why zelda was awake at 6

 **nerd** : im a fucking princess you birdcock  
**nerd** : i have royal duties to attend to

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : birDCOCK

 **rock’n’roll** : its really nice that you love all of us revali but you cant drink until you cant see and go hide on naboris

 **bitch** : it just so happened that i went on naboris  
**bitch** : i cant remember how i got up there

 **dead and tired** : to be fair  
**dead and tired** : at least he didnt go up to medoh

 **nerd** : oh goddesses  
**nerd** : id actually kill him

 **bitch** : a man cant have a couple of drinks once in a while?

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : first of all  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : ur not a man ur a bird  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : secondly  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : u ended up on my camel bc u drank too much

 **disaster** : usually i get attacked but this is a nice change

 **bitch** : dont worry once they finish with me theyll come back for you

 **disaster** : oh i know  
**disaster** : im screenshotting everything for blackmail

 **bitch** : remember when you were constantly ambushed by women

 **dead and tired** : his magnetism towards women is significantly less problematic than whats been going on with you

 **rock’n’roll** : petition to take all the alcohol away from revali

 **nerd** : ill sign it seven times

 **bitch** : let me live

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is the one everyones been waiting for but youll have to wait more since i only update on fridays lmao  
> in other news the olympics have both disappointed me and gotten me pumped for two different reasons and tonights the opening ceremony so im shitting


	15. in which the champions cook by the book

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = rock'n'roll  
> Link = disaster  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

_17:21_

**_disaster_ ** _renamed the group **cookin with link**_

**_disaster_ ** _changed his nickname to **chef boyarlink**_

**chef boyarlink** : ya gotta do the cookin by the book

**_rock’n’roll_ ** _changed his nickname to **sue chef goro**_

**sue chef goro** : you know you cant be lazy

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : nOW BREaK It DOwn bITcH

 **nerd** : what the fuck

 **chef boyarlink** : today well be making pumpkin stew  
**chef boyarlink** : you put a fortified pumpkin, some goat butter, fresh milk and tabantha wheat into a pot and stir until its done

 **sue chef goro** : for a good rock meal, just take some off of a cave wall

 **bitch** : do you guys drink lava?

 **sue chef goro** : we eat it like a soup

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : ur making me hungry

 **bitch** : what is it with you hylians and food

 **sue chef goro** : im a goron you piece of shit

 **dead and tired** : recipe for bitch roast  
**dead and tired** : one rito champion and one fire arrow

 **bitch** : iM FuKCIgn

 **chef boyarlink** : fried egg and rice is pretty easy  
**chef boyarlink** : bird egg and hylian rice

 **nerd** : fruitcake is made with either wildberry or apple oR BOTH with any other fruit and some cane sugar and some tabantha wheat and itS THE BEST

 **sue chef goro** : rock soup is a goron specialty where you just get a bowl of lava and add some good fresh rock as seasoning  
**sue chef goro** : whole pieces of rock salt are optional

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : i hate all of you  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : im so hungry

 **chef boyarlink** : a meat skewer is made with any meat  
**chef boyarlink** : just throw whatever you have in there

 **nerd** : ok but guys  
**nerd** : fRUIT C A KE

 **dead and tired** : this is when im glad that zoras eat smaller fish

 **bitch** : you guys are cannibals?

 **dead and tired** : zorAS arent FIs h

 **bitch** : could have fooled me

 **sue chef goro** : and sometimes for dessert we like to have some of the rocks that sit in the hot srpings since they make us feel nice and warm

 **dead and tired** : you guys are literally always on fire

 **chef boyarlink** : salmon meuniere is made with hearty salmon, goat butter and tabantha wheat

 **dead and tired** : i can cook sidon if you guys want some fish dishes

 **bitch** : nope  
**bitch** : also thought you said zoras arent fish so ???????

 **chef boyarlink** : were going to take a quick commercial break  
**chef boyarlink** : bc whAT THE FUCK MIPHA

 **sue chef goro** : are you ok?????

 **nerd** : DONT COOK YOUR BROTHER

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : food talk from here on out in this chat is canceled  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : everyone go home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YALL CAN THANK TAIUM BC DAMN THEY DID ME WONDERS:  
> -Channel's renamed "Cookin' with Link."  
> -Daruk butts in with rock cooking recipes.  
> -Roast Bitch: One Rito Champion, One Fire Arrow  
> -Do Gorons treat lava as soup? I say they do.  
> Rock soup: Scoop up a big bowl of lava, add ground rock for seasoning  
> -Enter Zelda rambling about Fruitcake.  
> -Urbosa slowly immolates from all the food talk.  
> -Then everyone is floored when Mipha offers to cook Sidon.
> 
> after a long saga of drunk revali, we finally get into what everyone has been waiting for  
> LEMME TELL YALL HOW MUCH OF A KICK I HAVE WITH LINKS CURRENT NICKNAME


	16. in which the minister who is a balding midget gets mad about fruitcake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = chef boyarlink  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

_15:25_

**_cookin with link_ **

**chef boyarlink** : i have never seen a man become more red than the minster just did

 **sue chef goro** : the balding midget

 **chef boyarlink** : the one and only

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : what did u do this time

 **nerd** : i may have burned the kitchen a little bit

 **dead and tired** : doing whAT

 **nerd** : making fruitcake

 **bitch** : you and your fruitcake

 **nerd** : fruitcake is a religion

 **chef boyarlink** : boy the goddesses would have a field day if they heard you say that

 **nerd** : well dont tell them

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : i feel like ur underestimating the goddesses  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : the creators of the world  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : omniscient beings

 **nerd** : thats a ten rupee word if ive ever seen one

 **bitch** : didnt know urbosa had that kind of knowledge

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : listen my people may believe in a goddess of the sand that worked with ur three divinities and people may call us dumb about it buT UR NAYRU DID BLESS EVEN ME WITH SOME WISDOM

 **dead and tired** : can we get back to zelda burning the kitchen making a cake

 **nerd** : not just any cake my dear fish lady

 **dead and tired** : first of all  
**dead and tired** : im a fucking zora  
**dead and tired** : second of all  
**dead and tired** : cake, fruitcake, whatever kind of cake i dont care

 **nerd** : religion

 **bitch** : its not a religion shut up

 **chef boyarlink** : its like the whole issue with the silent princess flowers

 **nerd** : make me fruitcake link and ill marry you

 **dead and tired** : excuse me

 **chef boyarlink** : i cant the kitchen is fuckING CHARCOAL

 **dead and tired** : excUSE ME

 **sue chef goro** : face it mipha  
**sue chef goro** : youre not the favorite

 **dead and tired** : i dont need to hear that from the champion that always gets forgotten

 **bitch** : oh my gOD MIPHA

 **sue chef goro** : innocent mipha roasting always hurts the most and it burns everyone even if theyre not involved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i only have one more chapter typed on this computer before i move full time to my chromebook  
> also all of you are hilarious and i cry at your comments and suggestions for future chapters


	17. in which mipha has a drug dealer in the domain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = chef boyarlink  
> Mipha = dead and tired  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

 

_14:35_

**_cookin with link_ **

**nerd** : remember that one time that mipha mentioned a zora that sold diamonds for luminous stones

 **bitch** : the drug dealer?

 **dead and tired** : im sure hes not a drug dealer

 **sue chef goro** : mipha  
**sue chef goro** : i doubt that  
**sue chef goro** : but as we once established nO ONE REMEMBERS ME

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : this chat is dissolving into madness

 **bitch** : it did so a long time ago

 **nerd** : MIPHA HAS A DRUG DEALER AT THE DOMAIN

 **dead and tired** : I DO NOT

 **chef boyarlink** : whos the drug dealer

 **nerd** : its the guy that you buy diamonds from

 **chef boyarlink** : i mean  
**chef boyarlink** : he is kinda shady

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : so a drug dealer

 **chef boyarlink** : hes never dealed me any drugs

 **bitch** : the most hylian thing ive ever heard you ever say

 **nerd** : just because he never dealt you drugs doesnt mean he doesnt deal drugs at all

 **dead and tired** : i really dont think hes a drug dealer  
**dead and tired** : i can go ask him

 **sue chef goro** : he wont tell you dummy

 **dead and tired** : im the zora princess i think someone will tell me

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : all the more reason to not tell u  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : now i dont know anything about zora policies  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : and how u all view drugs  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : but u could arrest him with little trouble if u really wanted to and if he really was a dealer

 **nerd** : ^^^

 **chef boyarlink** : but then where would i get my diamonds

 **bitch** : where did he get hIS diamonds

 **nerd** : ^ ^ ^

 **chef boyarlink** : zelda if youre gonna be a part of the conversation youll have to talk and not gesture to other peoples messages

 **nerd** : fuck off elf

 **chef boyarlink** : im just stating fact

 **dead and tired** : hes not a drug dealer

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : what if he tried to sell some drugs to sidon

 **dead and tired** : the only one thats allowed to sell sidon drugs will be me

 **bitch** : what

**_dead and tired_ ** _changed her nickname to **drug dealer**_

**drug dealer** : same reason ill cook him for links cooking show

 **chef boyarlink** : were not cooking your brother  
**chef boyarlink** : you need an intervention

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : i thought i banned food talk in this chat

 **nerd** : you can never ban fruitcake

 **bitch** : all of you are food addicts and im concerned

 **sue chef goro** : maybe miphas drug dealer will like lava soup

 **bitch** : if hes not a goron he cant eat it bc itll burn him alive

 **sue chef goro** : is he a goron

 **nerd** : no im pretty sure hes a zora if he lives in the domain

 **chef boyarlink** : can confirm that there is a goron in the domain

 **bitch** : ENOUGH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sprained my foot today by sitting on it and watched season 5 of voltron, how are yall
> 
> Hi; some people have come to me asking why their chapter hasn't been written, so I thought I'd just post this every so often:  
> If you've given me an idea, I have it. I write these all far in advance so I don't run out. The chances of your idea being written out already are very high, and I like to alternate between my own chapters and yours. I also write them in the order they're given to me, unless I find two ideas that I can put in one chapter because they're similar. Thanks for listening! I appreciate everything y'all send my way tbh
> 
> this chapter is dedicated to taium, because they dont sleep and instead give me gr8 chapter ideas (this wasnt one of them, but boy be prepared for one or two in the future)  
> and also to Rae, i hope youre feeling better from your sickness! <3


	18. in which tactics to fight calamity ganon are discussed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = chef boyarlink  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

_02:36_

**_cookin with link_ **

**chef boyarlink** : imagine if calamity ganon struck right now

 **nerd** : please dont say that  
**nerd** : ever  
**nerd** : you can shit on fruitcake  
**nerd** : but dont say that calamity ganon may strike

 **bitch** : fruitcake sucks

 **nerd** : you how fucK THE DARE

 **chef boyarlink** : nah but foreal  
**chef boyarlink** : how would we beat him

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : clearly youd bust out some gr8 recipes at him until he surrendered

 **sue chef goro** : honestly id pay to see that

 **nerd** : revali would probably drunkenly land on him like he did naboris

 **bitch** : leave me alone already

 **chef boyarlink** : daruk would offer him lava soup and hed burn to death from the inside out

 **sue chef goro** : urbosa would probably just reference a bunch of memes until he got annoyed

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : absolutely the heck i would

 **bitch** : what if we used the divine beasts  
**bitch** : yknow the machines that were CREATED to stop calamity ganon

 **nerd** : nah thats boring

 **bitch** : says the literal nerd

 **nerd** : i will pluck every feather individually

 **generic ethnic tough lady** : speaking of boring  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : zelda would 100% bore the shit out of calamity ganon with all her knowledge  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : bc my bby is so smart

 **nerd** : im not sure whether to be offended or take it as a compliment

 **chef boyarlink** : both ideally

 **sue chef goro** : what about mipha

 **bitch** : oh she would definitely roast the shit out of ganon

 **drug dealer** : pig ass never even saw it comin

 **bitch** : see

 **nerd** : all of our attacks do little damage but mipha lands the final blow

 **drug dealer** : my secret weapon will be sidon  
**drug dealer** : ill tell him to bite the shit out of that monster

 **chef boyarlink** : honestly sidon would probably do a lot of damage  
**chef boyarlink** : his teeth are sharp as hell

**_chef boyarlink_ ** _renamed the group **sidons shahp teefers**_

**drug dealer** : a beautiful name

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> psst--if you guys give chapter ideas give nickname ideas bc urbosas is a mile long and i hate typing it every time
> 
> i thought this was an idea given to me???? but it wasnt??? im falling apart
> 
> also nintendo direct more like nintendo announced okami hd for switch so im dead


	19. in which link gets interrogated for his eating habits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = chef boyarlink  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

_ 07:35 _

**_sidons shahp teefers_ **

**generic ethnic tough lady** : hey remember when zelda almost forced link to eat a frog

**bitch** : i thought you banned food talk

**generic ethnic tough lady** : if i start it it doesnt count

**sue chef goro** : literally  
**sue chef goro** : not how that works

**generic ethnic tough lady** : so i was thinking  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : what other strange things has our elf boy eaten

**nerd** : why are you awake

**generic ethnic tough lady** : idk

**chef boyarlink** : i honestly havent eaten that much weird stuff

**drug dealer** : i have watched you eat an entire hearty blueshell snail  
**drug dealer** : without cooking it

**nerd** : you ate a RAW snail?

**chef boyarlink** : oh my god

**bitch** : ive seen you swipe eggs from nests and crack them open right there

**chef boyarlink** : to be fair birds are assholes

**bitch** : my people descend from birds you fuck

**chef boyarlink** : and you validate my point

**sue chef goro** : he once visited the city and sat down and ate an entire bird in front of me

**drug dealer** : was it on fire

**bitch** : he lives in an active volcano of course it was on fire

**drug dealer** : alright birdman calm your feathers

**generic ethnic tough lady** : do i have to mention how many hyrdomelons u go through when ur here  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : bc its a lot

**chef boyarlink** : listen  
**chef boyarlink** : i get hungry

**nerd** : and they said it was weird that i was trying to feed you frogs  
**nerd** : goddesses only know what has gone into your body

**chef boyarlink** : ive never eaten anything dangerous

**sue chef goro** : debatable

**bitch** : i worry about you so much sometimes  
 **bitch** : not because im your friend  
 **bitch** : becuase fuck you im not  
 **bitch** : but because youre the princess’ closest knight  
 **bitch** : and the biggest idiot ive ever seen

**chef boyarlink** : your insults dont burn as much as miphas do

**drug dealer** : aye

**bitch** : thats fine

**generic ethnic tough lady** : so basically links stomach is a fuckin black hole

**nerd** : i guess thats a good way to describe it

**chef boyarlink** : i will go live in the forest with the boars

**nerd** : you step a single foot into that forest and im banishing your elf ass to hebra until you freeze to death

**sue chef goro** : so exile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quantumducky: "she tried to get me to eat a frog" link says, as if thats a ridiculous thing to think he would ever do. as if he hasnt eaten weirder things without even being dared
> 
> your guys nicknames for everyone is great i cant wait to start figuring out where to put them  
> i was on spring break this past week but didnt do an ounce of work on this fic lmao help


	20. in which link tames a deer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = chef boyarlink  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

_ 10:25 _

**_sidons shahp teefers_ **

**nerd** : i hope everyone remembers that we have a meeting today with the king!

**bitch** : ah yes  
 **bitch** : the most exciting day of the month  
 **bitch** : a meeting with the ever excitable king rhoam

**generic ethnic tough lady** : will there be food

**nerd** : of course  
**nerd** : lunch will be served after the meeting

**generic ethnic tough lady** : sweet

**sue chef goro** : im assuming link will stay for the whole meeting this time around

**nerd** : ill make sure i dont let the slate out of my sight

**drug dealer** : how does he keep stealing it from you if you have it on your person at all times

**generic ethnic tough lady** : bois like a fuckin mouse  
**generic ethnic tough lady** : u dont hear him comin

**bitch** : dont make the joke i think youre about to make

**generic ethnic tough lady** : literally and figuratively

**sue chef goro** : goddesses above urbosa

**generic ethnic tough lady** : huehuehue

**drug dealer** : whats the meeting going to be about  
 **drug dealer** : if you know  
 **drug dealer** : sidon wants to come but im trying to talk him out of it

**bitch** : let the tyke come then hell learn how boring these really are

**drug dealer** : you have a point

**nerd** : yeah your brother is welcome to sit in and be bored out of his mind  
**nerd** : maybe hell bite link a few times and provide some entertainment

**sue chef goro** : speaking of which where is he

**nerd** : doesnt have the slate so my guess is as good as yours

**generic ethnic tough lady** : probably hunting boars

**nerd** : dont

**bitch** : so when is the meeting so i know when to leave  
**bitch** : i mean ill probably just leave now anyway

**nerd** : at noon, so about two hours

**generic ethnic tough lady** : dope

**drug dealer** : no

_ 11:53 _

**nerd** : link  
 **nerd** : where   
**nerd** : the   
**nerd** : fuck

**chef boyarlink** : SHIT  
**chef boyarlink** : I WAS OUT TAMING HORSES

**nerd** : where

**chef boyarlink** : uh

**nerd** : l i n k

**chef boyarlink** : near the serenne stable  
**chef boyarlink** : i also tamed a deer

**nerd** : youll have to tame my fathers rage in three seconds if you dont get your scrawny ass back to the castle before the meeting starts

**chef boyarlink** : omw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like there are certain people that know when i update because i only respond to comments on fridays, right before i post and usually afterwards lmao  
> theres a few stragglers that i respond to if im sitting in class bored tho
> 
> this is an earlier update bc i have a party to go to tonight so i cant waste time and i have to type at least two more chapters to be in a safe zone so byeeee


	21. in which mipha tries so hard but doesnt get very far and in the end it probably doesnt even matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = chef boyarlink  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = generic ethnic tough lady  
> Zelda = nerd

_ 13:13 _

**_sidons shahp teefers_ **

**chef boyarlink** : imagine if i died before calamity ganon struck

**nerd** : do you ever think before you speak

**chef boyarlink** : i dont speak outloud so yeah actually  
 **chef boyarlink** : i dont think before i type tho  
 **chef boyarlink** : bc thats for nerds

**drug dealer** : your roasts arent as good as mine

**chef boyarlink** : i would never take the role of roast queen my dear

**drug dealer** : you can become the roast king

**chef boyarlink** : nah i think ill stick with a jester

**sue chef goro** : nice try there miph

**drug dealer** : thanks daruk  
**drug dealer** : maybe one day

**nerd** : back to the topic at hand  
**nerd** : if you died the obvious solution is the shrine of resurrection

**bitch** : yeah but how long would that take  
**bitch** : would he be back in time to fight the ghost pig

**sue chef goro** : i understand its a shrine dedicated to resurrecting people  
 **sue chef goro** : but revali has a point  
 **sue chef goro** : if its really bad it could take years

**nerd** : oh i hadnt thought of that

**chef boyarlink** : yo imagine sleeping for like three or four years

**drug dealer** : yo imagine calamity ganon destroying the world while youre sleeping for three or four years

**chef boyarlink** : you guys would totally have it under control

**bitch** : youre the only one that can use the master sword

**chef boyarlink** : its just a sword

**nerd** : its the fucking blade of fucking evils fucking bane you fucking twink

**sue chef goro** : brother dont upset the princess

**chef boyarlink** : dont worry she knows that if she does anything that would piss me off id stop getting her silent princess flowers

**nerd** : pls dont i love them

**drug dealer** : sigh

**bitch** : mipha its ok  
**bitch** : wheres urbosa to make you feel better

_**generic ethnic tough lady** changed her nickname to  **glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** _

**bitch** : why is it loNGER

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : bc a little birdie told me to do it  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : eyyo miph if the elf thing doesnt work out ur free to marry me

**chef** **boyarlink** : what elf thing

**drug dealer** : urbosa you live in the desert  
**drug dealer** : where theres no water

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : and  
 **glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : oh  
 **glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : right   
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : ur a fish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steven_Kodaly: Probably a good thing Link didn't die - given how long the Shrine of Resurrection takes, he'd be late for Ganon's big debut at the castle!
> 
> Qnonymous: Link: what is the incarnation of evil attacked right now?  
> Zelda:DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT WHAT COMES OUT OF YOU MOUTH, I CANT EVEN KILL HIM YET
> 
> Taium: Urbosa changes her name to "Glorious leader of the proud desert race, the Gerudo."
> 
> i asked for shorter nicknames for urbosa  
> and of course my beautiful taium was just like "no i like making diane lose her mind so have this"  
> of course i lOVE IT
> 
> as always, i love all of your comments, they make me laugh so much
> 
> and im sorry for the linkin park reference in the title but miphas doin her darn best


	22. in which revali gets pissed but thats the norm tbh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = chef boyarlink  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo  
> Zelda = nerd

_ 22:24 _

_ sidons shahp teefers _

**chef boyarlink** : so i saw revali with another rito today

**bitch** : when the fuck were you in the village

**chef boyarlink** : a great magician never reveals his secrets  
**chef boyarlink** : but i needed some cane sugar and i know you guys sell it for relatively cheap

**drug dealer** : why cane sugar

**nerd** : FRUITCAKE

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : i swear the more u go on about fruitcake the more worrisome it becomes 

**nerd** : how so

**bitch** : it sounds like youre on drugs

**drug dealer** : theyre not from me  
**drug dealer** : i cut her off weeks ago

**chef boyarlink** : so revali whos the lovely lady you were with today

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : wait what

**sue chef goro** : revali was with a woman

**nerd** : no it had to be like a really feminine male

**bitch** : it was not  
**bitch** : she is a very nice young lady

**chef boyarlink** : so youre in a relationship with her

**bitch** : i might be

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : i cant imagine u in a relationship with anything that isnt a cactus

**nerd** : omg

**bitch** : unfortunately for you the only cacti in the country are in your desert and link saw me in the village so

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : could have easily moved a cactus  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : they can live in most climates bc water isnt necessary for em

**drug dealer** : a cactus and i wouldnt get along

**nerd** : in what context

**bitch** : listen the woman i was with is actually really nice  
**bitch** : if i liked any of you id let you meet her

**nerd** : excuse me

**bitch** : no youre part of this whole conspiracy that shes not real too

**nerd** : because youre not the type that would get into a relationship willingly

**sue chef goro** : yeah you hate children youre always angry

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : everything is asinine to you

**chef boyarlink** : youre always a prick to anyone that isnt your reflection

**drug dealer** : and you dont even have a dick like what good are you for

**nerd** : mipha first of all  
 **nerd** : why do you know that  
 **nerd** : second of all  
 **nerd** : o u c h revali might need a fireproof elixir for that one

**drug dealer** : uh  
**drug dealer** : A GREAT MAGICIAN NEVER REVEALS HER SECRETS

**bitch** : all of you can go die in a fire

**sue chef goro** : cant do that im immune

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : is there any other option besides burning

**bitch** : sure  
**bitch** : perish

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : owo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am not me: revali winds up in a relationship with another rito, but none of the other champions believe said rito exists, start coming up with theories for what is really going on, all while revali is getting more and more angry.
> 
> short note, but next week will be the chapter that a lot of you have requested so make sure to come back on friday! ;000  
> ill put all of your names down so that you all get some credit
> 
> ill just say, yall really like sidon ;0


	23. in which sidon makes a guest appearance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = chef boyarlink  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo  
> Zelda = nerd

_13:24_

**_sidons shahp teefers_ **

**drug dealer** : what is up my dudes :D

**nerd** : ???  
**nerd** : mipha??

**drug** **dealer** : yes

**nerd** : are you feeling ok

**drug dealer** : just peachy my dear :)

**chef boyarlink** : omg

**bitch** : youre in a really good mood today mipha

**drug dealer** : thats my secret  
**drug dealer** : im always in a good mood \^o^/

**bitch** : no  
 **bitch** : actually  
 **bitch** : youre always wanting to die

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : which to be fair is a mood

**bitch** : im not saying it isnt

**chef boyarlink** : im crying

**nerd** : what is going on with you

**chef boyarlink** : how did you even pull this off

**drug dealer** : not telling ;*

**sue chef goro** : ???  
 **sue chef goro** : i feel like this is some kind of trick  
 **sue chef goro** : and were about to fall face first into it

**bitch** : yeah link and mipha are being really sneaky for some reason

**chef boyarlink** : hey zel im borrowing the slate to go to the domain

**nerd** : you aRE NOT

_ 13:41 _

**nerd** : welp  
**nerd** : off he goes

_ 15:12 _

**drug dealer** : omg  
**drug dealer** : WHAT DID HE DO

**nerd** : what

**drug dealer** : sidon took my communicator while i was at a meeting with my father

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : thats why link was acting all suspicious

**sue chef goro** : and thats why you were acting all weird and happy

**bitch** : so weve been revealing our thoughts to your little brother for the past two hours

**drug dealer** : yes  
**drug dealer** : did a shit job disguising himself as me

**chef boyarlink** : i mean i figured it out  
**chef boyarlink** : what delicious blackmail

**drug dealer** : thats because im half convinced you two are in love and thats how you know him so well

**nerd** : oh my god

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : mipha going all out on anyone that tries to take link away from her

**chef boyarlink** : sidon says he has no comment

**chef boyarlink** : and im going to double his statement

**nerd** : what

**drug dealer** : how dare

_**chef boyarlink** changed his nickname to **mr zora prince** _

**mr zora prince** : he also says that youve never dealt drugs and that your nickname is dumb

**drug dealer** : IM GOING TO FRY HIM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sidon steals miphas communicator and it takes the rest of the group two hours to realise it's not her posting.  
> -I am not you
> 
> would you consider Sidon hijacking Mipha's... whatever it is she uses to access the group chat? It sounds like he might be too young to really say much but I'd probably enjoy it regardless.  
> -Child_of_Harpy
> 
> but you should do one where Sidon takes Mipha’s slate and have him talk to the other champions  
> -Bacony McBaconface
> 
> two of you asked for this after i wrote it so im convinced that the fbi leaked my document to you guys
> 
> hEY GHOSTLY_LIGHT I SAW YOU POST A GROUP CHAT FIC OF YA OWN BUT THEN DELETE IT LIKE WHATS UP WITH THAT I LIKED IT????? bRING IT BAKC
> 
> send me some good blackmail material that i can sneak into later chapters yall


	24. in which a love potion was taken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = bitch  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = mr zora prince  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo  
> Zelda = nerd

_ 04:25 _

**sidons shahp teefers**

**nerd** : so i have a question

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : shoot

**nerd** : oh good youre awake bc its about you  
**nerd** : why are your women rallying at the castle gates

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : oh uh  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : they may have taken a love potion

**sue chef goro** : excuse me a what

**bitch** : how the hell

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : your darling knight gave it to them

**drug dealer** : i want one

**nerd** : absolutely not  
 **nerd** : no one else is getting a love potion  
 **nerd** : theyve started fighting each other

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : might as well just let them take out their anger

**bitch** : theyre going to destroy everything  
**bitch** : do you need help princess

**nerd** : no  
**nerd** : ...i think

**bitch** : alright im on my way

**sue chef goro** : same

**drug dealer** : ill go if i get a potion

**nerd** : then dont come

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : where even is the man in question

**bitch** : honestly i would rather keep him away so that it doesnt get so chaotic

**sue chef goro** : thats saying it isnt already chaotic

**nerd** : well link isnt in the castle

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : well then where the hell

**nerd** : its 4 am where do you think

**bitch** : hunting boars

_ 08:26 _

**mr zora prince** : women are scary  
 **mr zora prince** : i lost my pants  
 **mr zora prince** : i only have one shoe  
 **mr zora prince** : the shoe i lost while hunting but the gerudo stOLE my pants  
 **mr zora prince** : urbosa why do your women like me so much

**nerd** : youre the one that gave them potions

**mr zora prince** : what  
**mr zora prince** : no i didnt

**bitch** : then who did if you didnt to cause this madness

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : well  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : you see

**drug dealer** : oh my god urbosa are you kidding

**nerd** : my father wants to have a word with you when you can link  
 **nerd** : and ill say something about you too urbosa  
 **nerd** : so you might want to start making your way to the castle

**sue chef goro** : uh oh

**bitch** : someones in troubleeeee

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : up the shut fuck featherboy

_**drug dealer** changed **bitch** 's nickname to **featherboy** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What if, link accidentally took a 'make women love him' potion, so link and his natural charms where so attractive, women started a tournament to find out who loves link the most.  
> Meanwhile: link is hunting some boars again.  
> -I'm just in it for the ride
> 
> I coukd totally see Mipha asking for ideas to conquer Link; probably something related to a love elixir  
> -Cringer
> 
> The Gerudo lay siege to Castle Town demanding Link breed them en masse. They did not inform Urbosa beforehand....... or did they?
> 
> Link is either out hunting boars again and isn't aware of it till it's all over, or comes back halfway and has lost one boot and his pants. The King is either highly amused or not amused at all.  
> -Taium
> 
> yall just really love it when link is hunting him some boars  
> also i literally wrote this this morning my depression has been kicKING my butt especially bc of school


	25. in which urbosa has enraged the demon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = sue chef goro  
> Link = mr zora prince  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo  
> Zelda = nerd

_ 17:56 _

**sidons shahp teefers**

_**mr zora prince** added **S** **idon** to the group _

_**Sidon** changed his nickname to **zora prince** _

**drug dealer** : i think the fuck not

**zora prince** : no dearest sister D:

_**drug dealer** removed **zora prince** from the group _

**mr zora prince** : no my husband  
**mr zora prince** : how d a r e you

**nerd** : i thought you loved me

**drug dealer** : excuse me

**mr zora prince** : i love a lot of people

**featherboy** : wow you guys need marriage counseling

**sue chef goro** : urbosa would make a great marriage counselor i think

**nerd** : honestly??? probably would

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : GUYS  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : GUYS I HAVE CUCCO MEAT

**mr zora prince** : what

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : I WAS WALKING BY A STABLE ON MY WAY TO THE CASTLE  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : AND THERE WAS A CUCCO SO I HIT IT

**mr zora prince** : why would you do that  
**mr zora prince** : did it attack you

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : YES

**featherboy** : stop yelling

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : U STOP YELLING

**featherboy** : IM NOT EVEN YELLING

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : >;3

**sue chef goro** : man she has you wrapped around her finger

**featherboy** : i dont want to hear anything from a bunch of rocks with a face

**sue chef goro** changed his nickname to **a bunch of rocks with a face**

**nerd** : lmao what a name

**drug dealer** : link how did sidon get a communicator

**mr zora prince** : purah

**nerd** : of course

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : ANYWAY SO I STARTED GETTING ATTACKED BY THE COCKS

**nerd** : please be careful of how you word things

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : C O C K S  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : AND THEN I USED MY LIGHTNING AND GOT SOOOOO MUCH MEAT

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : oh my god

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : NO MORE SEAL  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : NO MORE FRUIT

**nerd** : you better still come to the castle  
**nerd** : my father is still upset with you

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : do u think i can change his mind with some cucco meat

**featherboy** : i highly doubt that

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : fuck  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : at least my women will eat like champions 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can i make a suggestion with chickens attacking Urbosa and then she just cooks them with her lightning and be like "Finally! Another good besides seal and fruit!" And she just goes on a chicken rampage XD  
> -Biscuits
> 
> Damnit I insist Sidon get his own communicator and Link keeps adding him when Mipha tries to keep him out. He's desperately needed in half the chapters I've recommended.  
> -Taium
> 
> [...]then revali retorts by calling daruk a bunch of rocks with a face  
> -i-don't-know
> 
> prepare for sidon to make some cameos
> 
> ALSO IM SORRY ITS ALMOST 9PM BUT I SLEPT ALL DAY


	26. in which a sports day is discussed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = mr zora prince  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 10:26 _

**sidons shahp teefers**

**nerd** : ok so daruk  
**nerd** : do you think you can bring a few gorons with you to the castle town for our sports day

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : oh dope  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : we can do some sumo wrestling

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : i can 100% bring my girls  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : theyre filled up with cucco wings and ready to do some of our own wrestling

**mr zora prince** : i knew the luminous clothing was for a reason

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : hehehe

**drug dealer** : zora martial arts is a sight to behold

**nerd** : bring em  
**nerd** : the more the merrier

**featherboy** : rito base jumping  
**featherboy** : the higher you can jump the better you are

**drug dealer** : that literally not fair bc you guys are birds  
**drug dealer** : and you have a mastered control of air currents

**featherboy** : ok fuck you too karate fish

**mr zora prince** : what about us zel

**nerd** : we have the knight tournaments

**mr zora prince** : oh fuck no  
**mr zora prince** : swinging a sword isnt a sport

**nerd** : well then you think of something you genius  
**nerd** : until then ill start getting a knight tournament set up and let my father know

**mr zora prince** : fine

**nerd** : fine

**mr zora prince** : fine

**nerd** : fine

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : stfu

_ 14:25 _

**nerd** : link is cancelled  
 **nerd** : the sports day is cancelled  
 **nerd** : fuck him

**featherboy** : what did he do

**nerd** : ask him when he gets here

**drug dealer** : is it that bad

**nerd** : fucking elf

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : how bad could it be

_**mr zora prince** added **zora prince** to the group _

**drug dealer** : for the last time  
**drug dealer** : no

**zora prince** : here me out ;n;

**drug dealer** : you have lessons to go over 

**mr zora prince** : let my husband stay

**drug dealer** : no

_**drug dealer** removed **zora prince** from the group _

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : is that the bad thing

**nerd** : no its worse

**featherboy** : what did he do

**nerd** : he talked to my father and now the hylians have a new sport for sports day

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : which is

**mr zora prince** : an eating contest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The topic of the day is sports.  
> Daruk brings back Twilight Princess' Goron sumo wrestling. And while doing this adopts the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage.  
> Urbosa comes in with with Lucha Libre wrestling which I insist is a Gerudo sport due to the Luminous Clothing sold at the secret shop.  
> Mipha speaks of the spirituality and gracefulness of Zora martial arts.  
> Revali tries to boast about Rito base jumping, but is shot down because that shit's basically just Rito being Rito.  
> Link has tried and is at least proficient in all of these because of course he is, and laments the lack of a good distinctive Hylian sport.  
> Zelda tries to argue for Knight Tournaments, but Link refuses to view knight training in fancy clothing as a sport.  
> Suddenly he gets an idea and disappears from chat. Everyone shrugs and continues chatting.  
> A few hours later......  
> Zelda pops back into chat annoyed/flustered. When asked why she states she just had a meeting with her father.  
> The sport Link came up with? Professional Eating Competition.  
> -Taium
> 
> hey its past 9pm and im dead after finishing my 6 page paper waddup finALS ARE ON TUESDAY IM OK
> 
> help


	27. in which revali is a tsundere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = mr zora prince  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 12:52 _

**sidons shahp teefers**

_**mr zora prince** added **zora prince** to the group _

**mr zora prince** : now mipha before you @ us  
**mr zora prince** : i feel its ok bc hes here with us

**drug dealer** : honestly im ok with it today

**nerd** : aye welcome to hell sidon

**zora prince** : what a warm welcome :D

**featherboy** : yeah well this place is really pretty hell

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : so who else is getting flirted with by rito

**nerd** : alright daruk im coming to get you

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : thanks princess

**featherboy** : whats the matter with the rito

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : i have a friend that tells me birds and rocks arent really compatible  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : if you knew anything about elements youd understand

**featherboy** : wow  
**featherboy** : not sure whether to feel offended

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : thats ur answer

**featherboy** : tall hoe  
**featherboy** : i already feel sick and i havent even seen your face yet

**drug dealer** : i could do better

**mr zora prince** : sidon and i are going exploring

**drug dealer** : sidon  
**drug dealer** : just dont touch anything

**zora prince** : ;)

**nerd** : link come back in 10 minutes

**mr zora prince** : ;)

**nerd** : link

**mr zora prince** : yes princess

_ 08:21 _

**drug dealer** : revali  
**drug dealer** : have you noticed youre missing something

**featherboy** : ????  
**featherboy** : am i

**drug dealer** : today the tall hoe tried insulting me again  
**drug dealer** : i obviously was annoyed

**featherboy** : OH MY GOD SHUT UP

**drug dealer** : but i dont really mind her insults  
 **drug dealer** : i know she cares about me as much as the others  
 **drug dealer** : but i wont ever admit that i like them back  
 **drug dealer** : because i dont

**featherboy** : MIPHA

**drug dealer** : im getting a little tired of this acting

**featherboy** : WHERE DID YOU GET THAT

**drug dealer** : if you want your diary back i suggest coming to the domain  
**drug dealer** : sidon brought it back with him

**featherboy** : FUCKING FISH BOY

_**featherboy** removed **zora prince** from the group _

**nerd** : he took your diary???  
**nerd** : why did you leave it out for him to find it

**featherboy** : WHY DID HE SNOOP  
 **featherboy** : NO ONE TELL URBOSA  
 **featherboy** : DELETE ALL OF THIS

**mr zora prince** : too late

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : too late  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : ur a cute tsundere

**featherboy** : FUCK OFF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little suggestion. Now that we know the champions have their diaries and they usually hold meetings at Rito village, how about making one thats for some reason, Mipha has to bring Sidon tgt to attend the meeting. Then as they were probably FOR ONCE doing actual serious discussion and just left Sidon at the village to play with other kids. Sidon found Revali's diary and kept it   
> No one noticed until Sidon wakes Mipha up before dawn and shows that to Mipha.  
> Ending: everyone talks about how tundere Revali is.  
> So basically I just want to see how everyone talks about how tundere Revali is.  
> -emilyleung54
> 
> I BEAT MY FINALS
> 
> i start work next week ;;;;;
> 
> i also completely forgot today was friday
> 
> bonus points if you can find a veeeery vague pokemon reference


	28. in which revali and mipha are technically furries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = mr zora prince  
> Mipha = drug dealer  
> Urbosa = glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 01:25 _

**_sidons shahp teefers_ **

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : so revali  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : youre basically a furry

**featherboy** : and as your username suggest

**drug dealer** : buncha rocks with a face

**nerd** : cmon lets not bully daruk

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : to be fair mipha is also a furry

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : can fish even be furries

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : why not

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : bc theyre fish????

**nerd** : im pretty sure fish are considered part of the community

**featherboy** : theres a community

**mr zora prince** : lets ask sidon

**drug dealer** : leTS NOT

_**mr zora prince** added **zora prince** to the group _

**drug dealer** : you know what  
**drug dealer** : i dont even care anymore

**zora prince** : aw mipha :*

**drug dealer** : get your kiss face away from me

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : spoken like a true sister

**nerd** : you dont have any sisters

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : u see my beautiful bird  
 **glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : all of my women are my sisters  
 **glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : my girls are as much family as the boars are to link

**mr zora prince** : i resent that

**zora prince** : oh were talking about furries

**drug dealer** : sidon you shouldnt even know what those are

**zora prince** : thats where youre wrong dearest :)  
**zora prince** : link has taught me a lot during the time weve spent together

**drug dealer** : link  
**drug dealer** : what have you told my innocent brother

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : i dont think hes that innocent if its link teaching him anything

**featherboy** : youre giving elf boy over there too much credit  
**featherboy** : kid probably doesnt even know how to read

**mr zora prince** : if i didnt know how to read things would be really awkward in this chat considering i have to read to respond

**nerd** : ouch he got you

**drug dealer** : seriously become roast king

**mr zora prince** : my title remains as jester

**zora prince** : wow sister youre that desperate

**drug dealer** : fuck off

**mr zora prince** : but to answer the inital question

**zora prince** : oh most definitely  
**zora prince** : there are people that have… interesting fantasies about fish as well as mammals

_**drug dealer** changed her nickname to **not a furry** _

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : but you are

**not a furry** : stfu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone realizes mipha and revali are actually Furries  
> -i-dont-know
> 
> yo so i have work on fridays and its long days so it kills me
> 
> just so yall know if i dont manage to update friday night ill do my best to hit that saturday morning chapter ya feel
> 
> last week i was sad that i missed the friday so i kinda lost any motivation to type a chapter lmao


	29. in which daruk gets stuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = mr zora prince  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_16:36_

**sidons shahp teefers**

**featherboy** : sorry to bother everyone

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : no ur not

**featherboy** : alright im not but fuck you  
 **featherboy** : i need some help if someone is available  
 **featherboy** : link i think youd be best bc you can use zeldas slate

**nerd** : what happened

**featherboy** : daruk is riding a talus

**mr zora prince** : so get off why do you need me

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : its a frost talus  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : my feet are stuck

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : why is there a frost talus in the middle of lava central

**mr zora prince** : oh for the love of hylia

**nerd** : pray to someone else she always leaves me on voicemail

_ 18:52 _

**mr zora prince** : so on my way to death mountain i stumbled across not one  
**mr zora prince** : but tWO hinoxs

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : i thought you teleported

**mr zora prince** : ok just bc i teleported to your lava mountain doesnt mean i still dont have to walk to where you were  
**mr zora prince** : i didnt even know yall had hinoxs up there

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : i didnt either  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : oh i forgot to mention there might be some lynels and octorocks scampering around

**mr zora prince** : yo fuck off

**not a furry** : this makes me glad we only have that shock lynel

**zora prince** : that lynel is the worst tho

**not a furry** : youre still here

**zora prince** : wow love you too

_ 21:38 _

**mr zora prince** : daruk promise me you wont ever do that again

**nerd** : i have to heckin make another shIRT for him

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : oh make me another sash can you  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : sorry

**featherboy** : pfft

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : see while all of you have your talus and hinox and lynels  
**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : we just have giant sand dinosaurs

**nerd** : im sorry what

**glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo** : big ole dinoboys

_**mr zora prince** changed  **glorious leader of the proud desert race, the gerudo's** nickname to **dinomama** _

**dinomama** : yes

_**dinomama** renamed the group **dinoland** _

**featherboy** : oh no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe a small thing talking about how someone encountered one unexpectedly? A talus or hinox would work well, since the whole Suprise talus appear or the holy shit it’s awake hinox situation (maybe the hinox being the one near Rito village???.) For the Talus on the other hand maybe it was ya boi chef boyarlink because link is a reckless boyo sometimes.  
> -Misqy
> 
> revali: Everyone get over here now. the idiot is riding a Talus  
> zelda: and why do you need our help?  
> daruk: Its a Frost Talus  
> daruk: My feet are stuck  
> link: oh for the love of hylia  
> zelda: Pray to someone else, that one never return my calls.  
> -Name
> 
> and urbosas just like 'yeah we got some giant dinosaur in the sand'  
> 'a what'  
> 'big ole dinoboy'  
> -my addition
> 
> hey so just so yall know ill be at a convention next weekend so ill t r y to get a chapter out for you, but idk if itll work out  
> if anything itll be a thursday update in the morning instead of a late friday evening one
> 
> there was a lot??? of salt???? in the chat today?????? lmao im sorry


	30. in which link is a jokester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = mr zora prince  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 07:25 _

**dinoland**

**dinomama** : zelda why do i have your white dress

**nerd** : my dress?

**dinomama** : the one you use for prayer

**not a furry** : i have a quiver of shock arrows and a bow  
**not a furry** : and im not touching it but i know its revalis

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : urbosa i have your sword and shield

**dinomama** : wtf

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : theyre actually too small for me to use

**featherboy** : but shes huge

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : i know its weird

**nerd** : mipha your trident is in my room???  
 **nerd** : as well as a feather  
 **nerd** : revali did you do this????

**featherboy** : what the fuck no i didnt  
**featherboy** : theres a huge puddle and a wet towel by my sleeping quarters so im assuming mipha did this

**not a furry** : fuck off  
**|not a furry** : urbosa noble pursuit reeks

**dinomama** : ok wow how dare  
**dinomama** : and daruk u have big ass feet

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : i think there was a paper from the castle but it might have burned to a crisp

**nerd** : fucking lava mountain

**dinomama** : so if it wasnt any of us then who did it

**featherboy** : where is link  
**featherboy** : has the master sword been taken

**nerd** : i doubt it  
 **nerd** : only those chosen by the goddess can wield it  
 **nerd** : meaning i can if i have to kick his ass to next week

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : where even is he  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : everytime something goes bad he goes missing

**dinomama** : zel do u have the slate

**nerd** : …  
 **nerd** : oh my god  
 **nerd** : ill be right back

**not a furry** : she needs to glue that slate to her hands

**featherboy** : she needs to glue link down onto a chair

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : knowing him hed just leave with it

**featherboy** : ...alright then a giant rock

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : got plenty of those to spare  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : but the technical term is a boulder

_ 11:17 _

**mr zora prince** : im sorry for taking your weapons and switching them around

**nerd** : and

**mr zora prince** : and im sorry for leaving false evidence

**nerd** : and

**mr zora prince** : and im sorry for using the slate for things other than important business  
**mr zora prince** : again

**nerd** : aaaaand

**mr zora prince** : and im sorry but revali really is a stupid bird

**featherboy** : I WILL SMITE YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link's Revenge: He steals the slate in the night and switches all the champion's weapons.  
> Revali gets Daruk's Boulder Breaker. Try flying with that bitch.  
> Mipha gets Revali's Great Eagle Bow with a quiver of Shock Arrows.  
> Daruk gets Urbosa's Scimitar of the Seven and Daybreaker shield, which are too small for him to use.  
> Urbosa gets Zelda's white prayer dress.  
> Zelda gets the Lightscale Trident.  
> Link does this while everyone's asleep, and returns the slate, leaving no evidence he did anything. In fact, he leaves contradictory evidence implicating everyone else. The Master Sword is assumed to be only liftable by him, which explains why it wasn't moved.  
> Planted evidence possibilities: A Rito feather in Revali's coloring, an empty flask that smells of Noble Pursuit, a massive (fake) Goron footprint, a soaked through towel and puddle nearby, like a zora poorly tried to hide having been there, and a scrap of official looking paper that could only have come from the Castle.  
> -Taium
> 
> holy fuck taium
> 
> hey im back lmao and dead


	31. in which sidon is an innocent baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = mr zora prince  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 17:32 _

**dinoland**

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : hey kink  
 **a bunch of rocks with a face** : i mean link  
 **a bunch of rocks with a face** : oh fuck

**dinomama** : K I N K

**not a furry** : daruk omg

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : i honestly didnt mean it

**dinomama** : obvs u didnt mean it but it happened and now its saved  
**dinomama** : forever

**mr zora prince** : omg

_**mr zora prince** changed his nickname to **kink** _

**kink** : there we go

**zora prince** : whats a kink

**not a furry** : omG I FORGOT YOURE HERE

**zora prince** : yeah you never kicked me out last time

**nerd** : lmao mipha

**featherboy** : mipha youre fucked

**not a furry** : screw off pidgeon.

**dinomama** : oh wow an elusive period

**not a furry** : sidon ignore that word

**featherboy** : nah teach him  
**featherboy** : better he learns now than never

**not a furry** : i will nOT

**dinomama** : a kink is a sexual taste

**not a furry** : urbosa i will bring a drought to your town

**dinomama** : ha id like to see u try

**zora prince** : sexual taste?

**dinomama** : yep  
**dinomama** : like zelda probably likes getting tied up or something

**nerd** : i do not

**dinomama** : and that falls under bondage which is a type of kink

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : lmao im pretty sure miphas going to kill you

**dinomama** : listen the boy needs to learn all this eventually if hes going to be links husband  
**dinomama** : pretty sure the twink likes getting bit so

**kink** : 100% do not  
**kink** : and sidons teeth are extra painful

**featherboy** : im pretty sure mipha just went to drown herself

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : she cant drown shes a fish

**nerd** : fish can drown

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : that is news to me

**zora prince** : oh no  
**zora prince** : oH NO

**dinomama** : i think i found her

**featherboy** : wow this is like our very first chat all over again  
**featherboy** : but instead of zelda chasing link its mipha chasing sidon

**kink** : i was threatened that day  
**kink** : within an inch of my life

**nerd** : you took the slate without me knowing

**kink** : and have done it multiple times since

**zora prince** : i have confiscated sidons slate

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : rip sidon

**featherboy** : we knew thee well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should totally do something about Autocorrect/Typing screw ups. It would be hilarious. I highly doubt that none of them *Daruk* would ever mess up their typing. I think it would be pretty funny, it could cause a Name Change like the y'all scenario or it could make the person who did it the point of laughter of that specific chapter.  
> -Noam Ben Simon
> 
> just a thought... the most comon spelling error is hitting the key next to the one you meant, and L and K are right next to eachother on most keyboard layouts. which leads to sidon asking why mipha misspelling links name is so funny.  
> -Name
> 
> hey so im on video call with my boyfriend, its 11:30 at night, and im depressed, and i have a basketball game tomorrowwwww whaddup  
> lmao im so bad at updating im sorry


	32. in which all you need is faith trust and pixie dust, whatever the heck that is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = kink  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 19:37 _

**dinoland**

**dinomama** : zel is the elf ok  
**dinomama** : ur father was kinda harsh

**nerd** : i actually dont know where he went??

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : he just vanished????

**nerd** : guess so

**not a furry** : i havent seen rhoam so angry before

**featherboy** : to be fair link has missed a fair amount of meetings  
 **featherboy** : and with the calamity getting ready to strike at any moment  
 **featherboy** : its crucial he doesnt miss any

 **a bunch of rocks with a face** : maybe hes out hunting again  
 **a bunch of rocks with a face** : that apparently calms him down  
 **a bunch of rocks with a face** : and gets him away from a harem of ethnic women

**dinomama** : it was one time

**nerd** : remember how angry my father was then

**dinomama** : how could i forget  
 **dinomama** : he couldve melted all of hebra with all that hot anger  
 **dinomama** : its not as extreme now but his words hurt a little more i guess

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : yeah telling the poor kid that he doesnt care about everyone being at risk

**featherboy** : like its obvious he does or why else would he still be here with us  
**featherboy** : pretty sure he would have set the master sword down and left if he wasnt serious

**nerd** : well now we have to find him

**not a furry** : does he have the slate

**nerd** : no  
**nerd** : ...yes fuck

**dinomama** : alright yall get on ur beasts and grab ur telescopes we gotta twink to catch

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : yessir

**featherboy** : daruk buddy you cant keep responding to yall

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : sorry force of habit

_ 00:18 _

_**featherboy** sent a photo! _

**featherboy** : exCUsE mEE??1!

**nerd** : how the fuck

**not a furry** : yknow thats a question id like answered

**nerd** : link  
**nerd** : bud i know youre reading this chat how the fuck did you end up on medoh

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : literally humans cant even fly

**dinomama** : as another member of the human species  
 **dinomama** : can confirm  
 **dinomama** : have yet to master the art of flying

**nerd** : dont even joke urbosa

**not a furry** : link what the hell

**nerd** : link can you even get down

**featherboy** : probably not  
**featherboy** : ill have to help him

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : how about we let the little man answer for himself

**nerd** : link

**kink** : just gotta have faith trust and pixie dust

**nerd** : what in the fuKC is pixie dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link actually tries to tame Zelda's father's rage and somehow ends up passed out on Vah Medoh afterwards. Revali is understandably pissed. everyone else is confused because Link can't fly???  
> -SoulStealer1987
> 
> hey so its been a hot minute  
> again
> 
> basically im gonna update this whenever i can find the time bc half the time im arguing with my boyfriend that long distance is a battle we can win aNd the other half im working sooooo oops
> 
> ******going to stop taking requests after chapter 35!******


	33. in which mipha gets kidnapped by urbosa so they can marry but it doesnt work out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = kink  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 14:58 _

**dinoland**

**nerd** : mipha  
**nerd** : mipha a zora messenger just told us youve gone missing

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : maybe shes hunting boars

**featherboy** : i dont think muzu would allow that

**nerd** : you right

**kink** : hunting boars is an art

**nerd** : you not right

**dinomama** : oh yall are looking for mipha

**nerd** : yeah

**dinomama** : shes in the desert

**featherboy** : how the heck

**dinomama** : u know how we have those canals

**featherboy** : no bc daruk link and i arent allowed inside your town

**kink** : i mean ive gotten some vai clothing and snuck in

**dinomama** : yeah he has  
 **dinomama** : well we have those canals that run above our town  
 **dinomama** : shes just chilling in one of them

**nerd** : im telling the messenger

**dinomama** : no hell take her away

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : why did you take her in the first place

**dinomama** : marraige

**featherboy** : to whO

**dinomama** : to me  
**dinomama** : the best way to protect her is to marry her and keep her here

**kink** : you live in a desert and mipha is a fish

**dinomama** : we have the canals  
**dinomama** : and the oasis down the road

**kink** : there are no roads

**dinomama** : across the dunes then bitch

**nerd** : please bring her back  
**nerd** : her father will get worried

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : we dont want any issues with royal relationships

**featherboy** : knowing dorephan he could easily take miphas duties to ruta away

**nerd** : he actually cant so get fucked  
**nerd** : the beasts chose their champions and thats their final word

**kink** : what the fuck is going on  
**kink** : zelda give me the slate and ill go get her

**nerd** : no last time you got the slate you ended up on medoh

**featherboy** : still have no idea how you did that btw

**kink** : faith trust and pixie dust

**nerd** : i still dont know what thAT IS

**dinomama** : u wont take her away

**kink** : you wanna bet m8

_ 16:26 _

**dinomama** : how does he do that

**featherboy** : do what

**dinomama** : sneak around like a woman but make it convincing

**nerd** : he looks like one what do you expect

**not a furry** : we didnt even get to exchange vows

**nerd** : mipha youre grounded

**not a furry** : thats fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it bad that now i cant get the image of Urbosa just bringing Mipha into the desert either using the excuse of the waterways going around the top of Gerudo Town and or that oasis looking place or whatever it was or just somehow getting Zelda or just going all Spongebob style tbh. It's probably a very bad idea considering it proooobably wouldnt work, but brain why do u do this to me)  
> -PuppyLover912
> 
> Maybe Urbosa 'casually' kidnapping Mipha and planning a whole wedding...  
> -Mae_the_Gay
> 
> lmao look at me somewhat posting on time
> 
> remember that if youve sent me a request i have it saved in my document already
> 
> *****going to stop taking requests after chapter 35!!!!*****


	34. in which the prophecy is discussed (and the author finally comes back to life)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = kink  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_18:53_

**dinoland**

**kink** : yknow that weird prophecy tarp thing impa has

**nerd** : weird prophecy tarp thing  
**nerd** : do you mean the actual art depicting the legend and prophecy of the calamity returning

**kink** : sure  
**kink** : why the fuck do we look nothing like we actually do

**featherboy** : bud you do know what ancient history is right

**kink** : aw you called me bud

**featherboy** : i take it back

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : forreal tho they definitely didnt know what we would look like that long ago

**nerd** : now that i think about it  
**nerd** : link why do you look irish

**kink** : what the fuck is irish

**dinomama** : oh u mean like an irish clogger or whatever theyre called

**nerd** : yeah exactly that

**kink** : what the f uc k yall talking about

**not a furry** : what is going on

**nerd** : link is an irish clogger

**kink** : i dont know whta that i s

**featherboy** : you need to get educated, pig lover

**kink** : akwwuasfhjsabfj???

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : at least they got the divine beasts somewhat right

**dinomama** : oh yes thank god my camel still looks like a camel on the tarp

**kink** : im gonna steal it

**nerd** : youre not going to do that  
**nerd** : you cant just steal anything you want

**kink** : watch me

**nerd** : i swear to hylia

**featherboy** : i thought she ignores you

**nerd** : she doES

**kink** : im taking the slate

**nerd** : youre nOT

_ 17:03 _

**nerd** : he did

_ 20:36 _

**not a furry** : zelda  
 **not a furry** : my sweet  
 **not a furry** : stealer of my future husband

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : stealer of what

**not a furry** : of something not important  
**not a furry:** soldiers from kakariko just dropped off a hylian to the domain

**nerd** : impa probably beat the shit out of him

**not a furry** : well he doesnt look too great

**dinomama** : is his shirt ripped up

**not a furry** : of course

**nerd** : hes going to fight the calamity naked i swear im running out of blue fabric

**featherboy** : are you gonna send people to get him

**nerd** : im debating it  
**nerd** : he doesnt deserve my kindness

**not a furry** : i can keep him and return the slate

**nerd** : going to my soldiers now and telling them because mipha is going to violate that poor kid

**not a furry** : i am not!

**featherboy** : yes you will shut up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should totally do a bit about the prophecy and how the pictures look nothing like the actual characters. I always found it funny how link looks like an Irish clogger.
> 
> zelda: link why do you look irish  
> link: what the fuck is irish  
> -Noam Ben Simon
> 
>  
> 
> yo im back
> 
> lol i kinda lost track of life while updating this fic so i took time to figure out where i was going wrong and now that school has started back up as well as me having somewhat of a proper work schedule, i feel more comfortable going back to semi-regular updates.  
> this wont be updated on fridays but i will t r y to update at least once a week
> 
> as always, after chapter 35 im going to stop taking requests because there are just so mANY


	35. in which a war over cake is fought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = kink  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 14:29 _

**dinoland**

**nerd** : everyone choose a side in the fucking cake war

**dinomama** : not the skeleton war

**nerd** : fuck that shit  
**nerd** : link doesnt appreciate fruitcake

**featherboy** : the horror

**nerd** : revali  
**nerd** : ive got no beef with you today but youre coming close

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : man note to self dont mess with the princess when its about cake

**featherboy** : bud its been like that ever since she started this whole fruitcake addiction

**kink** : fruitcake sucks anyway  
**kink** : carrot cake is where its at

**not a furry** : i agree with link

**dinomama** : thats because youre obsessed with him and want him to marry you

**kink** : what

**dinomama** : zelda as ur mother im supporting you 100%

**nerd** : thanks mom  
**nerd** : daruk? revali? what about you guys?

**featherboy** : im not getting into this  
**featherboy** : i couldnt give any less shits

**nerd** : traitor

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : we have this great thing called rock cake

**kink** : youre making that up

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : am not

**featherboy** : daruk none of us can even eat a rock

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : youre not trying hard enough

**featherboy** : im a bird i dont fucking have teeth

**dinomama** : grow some

**nerd** : grow some

**featherboy** : fuck both of you with a spice berry

**dinomama** : sounds hot

**not a furry** : nice one

**dinomama** : thanks  
**dinomama** : ur still the enemy tho

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : how did all of this even start

**nerd** : link went into the kitchen to make me a fruitcake since hes really good at the whole cooking and baking thing

**not a furry** : you are

**kink** : if this champion thing doesnt work out id make a mean house spouse

**nerd** : AND HE comes out with a carrot cake instead and said he made something bettER

**kink** : carrot cake is better than fruitcake

**nerd** : it fucking isnt

**featherboy** : you guys swear youre not married yet  
 **featherboy** : because ive seen married rito talk about things like this  
 **featherboy** : its disgusting

**nerd** : link were married now so i can diVORCe you

**kink** : thats fine with me

**featherboy** : youre all freaks and i hate you

**dinomama** : yo can i get some of that cake

**zora prince** : miph what about monster cake

**not a furry** : fucK OFF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zelda's fruitcake vs. Link's newly found love for carrot cake after he snuck into the kitchen in the castle to try to make more cake for Zelda; the other champions must choose a side in this cake war (Urbosa obviously sides with Zelda, while Mipha sides with Link because he's Link. Daruk fights for the wonder called Rock cake, and Revali is just Revali)  
> -Emmy984
> 
> i wrote this while a group of assholes sits a distance away and plays poker really loudly in the college lounge
> 
> i hate them
> 
> that being said this is your last chapter to submit ideas! when i post the next chapter im marking down the date so any suggestions given after it will not be counted! get all your ideas in! ill accept literally all of them im already drowning in them
> 
> (there are 40 already so just keep adding on my dudes. i love yall)
> 
> ((also shoutout to link being genderqueer so i can use house spouse))


	36. in which urbosa makes a big mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = kink  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_ 23:24 _

**dinoland**

_**dinomama** sent a photo! _

**dinomama** : oh no  
 **dinomama** : oh shit  
 **dinomama** : oh fuck

**nerd** : U R B O S A

**dinomama** : i fuckED UP

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : damnnnnn urbosa

**dinomama** : SHUT THE FUCK UP AND AVERT YOUR EYES YOU ROCK LICKER

**zora prince** : oh my

**not a furry** : SIDON NO  
**not a furry** : HOW DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK HERE

**dinomama** : THIS ISNT FOR CHILDRENS EYES

**kink** : who is that even for

**dinomama** : no one i wanted to send a picture of a sandseal and my finger slipped

**nerd** : is that the real story

**dinomama** : zelda would i fuckin lie about this

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : well

**dinomama** : is your name zelda  
 **dinomama** : didnt think so  
 **dinomama** : shut the hell up

**nerd** : well  
**nerd** : yes

**dinomama** : betrayed by my owN FLESH AND BLOOD

**kink** : i will give you the benefit of the doubt that no woman can pull of an 8-pack better than you can

**dinomama** : thats actually really nice thank you  
**dinomama** : but it doesnt help

**not a furry** : where is revali

**nerd** : thats  
**nerd** : actually a really good question where is he

**dinomama** : considering the nature of this convo  
**dinomama** : id rather not know

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : so you wouldnt be concerned if hes jacking off to your nude

**dinomama** : first of all as mipha once explained birds dont have dicks

**not a furry** : which is true zelda back me up  
**not a furry** : you man stealer

**nerd** : its true but that is uncalled for  
**nerd** : link sleeps in the stables because of the carrot cake fiasco

**kink** : very true

**zora prince** : carrot cake is better tho

**not a furry** : were not having this argument again and you should be out of this chat becasue its not safe for your pure eyeballs

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : he knew what furries were

**not a furry** : and i wonder why that is

**kink** : hehehe

**featherboy** : what are yall scrabbling about  
 **featherboy** : …  
 **featherboy** : oh

**dinomama** : i wanna D I E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay we're finally getting the Urbosa strip tease! Wait, is that not what everyone was calling for?  
> -Taium
> 
> One day urbosa just sends a suggestive photo to the group by accident  
> -Me
> 
> and with that, suggestions are closed! thanks everyone, because this is going to go on for 5 3 m o r e c h a p t e r s  
> yall are too much and honestly this fic would not have gone as far as it did without you so im so thankful for every suggestion you give me, even if i dont use them <3


	37. in which link has a thirst for arson, apparently

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = kink  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

_16:47_

**dinoland**

**featherboy** : i stg someone needs to take any type of elemental or explosive arrows away from link

**nerd** : what did he do now

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : how much longer until youre out of blue fabric for our champion pieces

**nerd** : depending on the situation i could be out of them at this very moment  
**nerd** : what did he do

**dinomama** : based on the conversation im gonna assume he set everything on fire  
**dinomama** : including himself

**featherboy** : and the winner is urbosa

**dinomama** : fuck yeah

**featherboy** : your prize is a knuckle sandwich

**dinomama** : fuck you

**nerd** : whY is he setting himself on fiRE?

**kink** : it was an accident

**nerd** : oh yeah

**kink** : listen you play with fire arrows and dont set yourself on fire

**not a furry** : literally no one else would set themselves on fire because we have that little thing in our brain that tells us when to stop

**featherboy** : bold of you to assume he has a brain

**kink** : bold of you to assume i have a brain

**dinomama** : pfft

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : you guys are way too similar to be healthy

**featherboy** : daruk imma need you to shut the hell up

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : duly noted

**nerd** : so link  
**nerd** : you fire arrowed all your clothes off

**kink** : by accident

**nerd** : by accident

**kink** : something tells me you dont believe me

**dinomama** : well considering that u have been known to do the most bizarre things its not too much of a stretch

**not a furry** : must i remind you of the time you tried to steal impas tarp and got thrown into the domain

**kink** : that was last week

**not a furry** : my point stands

**featherboy** : boar hunting

**kink** : ok i get hungry at night and the cooks are asleep

**nerd** : you literally cook better than the cooks

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : yeah and its somehow shocking that you set yourself on fire

**kink** : yeah

**kink** : because i  was looking forward to facing calamity ganon in my underwear with nothing more than fire arrows and fire weapons along with a thirst for arson

**featherboy** : coulda fooled us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As for suggestions, how about Link enjoys fire and bomb arrows a bit too much and accidentally sets his clothes on fire. He is thus renamed ‘naked pyromaniac’. I felt that’d be a nice little nod to how everyone thought Link would be before the game came out. I know I was looking forward to facing Ganon in my underwear with nothing more than fire arrows & fire weapons along with a thirst for arson.  
> -OblitusRex
> 
> yo waddup i am back from a hiatus once again  
> next chapter will probably be in a month
> 
> not really but im so sorry im horrible


	38. in which revali pulls a prank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changed nicknames:  
> Revali = featherboy  
> Daruk = a bunch of rocks with a face  
> Link = kink  
> Mipha = not a furry  
> Urbosa = dinomama  
> Zelda = nerd
> 
> bonus:  
> Sidon = zora prince

13:26

**dinoland**

**kink** : fuckibg  
**kink** : who gave revali a lynel mask

**nerd** : did revali prank you with said mask

**kink** : it was YOU

**nerd** : it wasNT ME

**kink** : you responded so damn quickly

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : just because someone responds quickly doesnt mean they did it

**kink** : so you did it

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : ffs

**nerd** : i cant believe you would accuse me first  
**nerd** : i thought we were married

**not a furry** : what

**dinomama** : yall are so insensitive

**kink** : what do u mean

**dinomama** : to mipha

**kink** : ??

**dinomama** : omg  
**dinomama** : ud struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel

**featherboy** : fucking ouch urbosa

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : shes learning her roasts from mipha  
**a bunch of rocks with a face** : usually its the daughter that learns from the mother not the other way around

**kink** : BACK TO THE MASK  
**kink** : revali who gave it to you

**featherboy** : im not fucking telling you  
**featherboy** : i aint no snitch

**kink** : you can only get one from kilton  
**kink** : but i doubt hed just give you one

**nerd** : why not

**kink** : no one would give anything to revali for free and hes too proud to pay for anything

**featherboy** : not true

_**kink** changed his nickname to **fuck u bird** _

**fuck u bird** : tell me

_**not a furry** changed her nickname to **lynels bitch** _

**lynels bitch** : it was me

**a bunch of rocks with a face** : what

**lynels bitch** : honestly if i didnt tell them theyd keep arguing until ganon woke up

**nerd** : if he ever wakes up

**lynels bitch** : oh he will

**dinomama** : thats unnerving

**featherboy** : CHANGE UR NAME

**fuck u bird** : NEVER BIRD BITCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the gang,(possibly Revaly) finds the Lynell mask, and decides to prank the rest(especially Link)  
> Also, any of then getting their name changed to "Lynell's bitch"; whom is up to you.  
> -Cringer
> 
> hey waddup lol  
> (i always start it like that when its been too long)
> 
> end of the last semester was rough, christmas was rough, new years was rough, evERYTHING IS ROUGH  
> but i typed this on my phone after i turned autocorrect and autocaps off and it actually makes it a better experience
> 
> so im probably back for longer because it's actually fun writing this on my phone as opposed to my laptop lol  
> (not saying this wasnt ever fun bc this is hilarious)  
> ((someone come tell my neighbor to stop making so much noise pls & thnx))
> 
> love me

**Author's Note:**

> i fell down a rabbit hole i never thought id fall into  
> urbosa is totally a mememom dont tell me otherwise  
> follow me on social media on my bio bbs

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Friends](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16851508) by [ErtiaLedo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErtiaLedo/pseuds/ErtiaLedo)




End file.
